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Welcome to We Are the Hansens.
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Yeah, the podcast where we share real secrets behind building
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a strong, lasting marriage, parenting secrets, tips tricks.
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Yes, you get to go on our journey. That's right.
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We have thirteen kids, the good, the bad, the ugly.
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Nobody's perfect, and man have I found that out myself.
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I try to be.
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But it's all about learning. It's all about loving, it's
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about nurturing and as the dad, as a spouse, my
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learning curve has been big twenty two years.
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And you would think that you'd have everything figured out,
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but none of us do. It's all learning.
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When I became an expert in this, I truly believe
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that I thought I was the expert for twenty two years.
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That's the funny part about being an expert. Sometimes being
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the expert is knowing that you're not the expert. And
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that's that's the funny part. Am I an expert?
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Well?
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Yes, I am an expert enough to know that I
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can deal with things one hundred percent better than ninety
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nine percent of the people out there. A part of
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being an expert is saying I can always be learning,
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and man, it's been a learning curve, especially when it
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has come to my daughters and my sons. You know,
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the wife thing. A lot of people get married and
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you figure it out, but there are special things when
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it comes to your daughters. In this show today, I
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want to talk about daughters. What the value of a
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good husband to their wife, to their mother, and a
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good father is to your daughters. Now, every guy that's
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ever had a daughter knows that important relationship.
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That you have with your daughter. There's nothing like it.
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It is completely different than it is with your son.
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You love them all the same, but a boy watches
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his dad and the boy will become his dad in
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many different ways. They become themselves, but they take those
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things and they become their dad. And the thing with
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your daughters is yes, they do that too. They become
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part of you. My wife says it all the time.
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She's like, man, I just sometimes the drives are crazy.
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How much my daughters are like me. Now to me,
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I think that's awesome. But I think it's so important
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to understand the value as a husband, as a father.
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And I'm talking to you.
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Fathers and husbands out there of what you actually do
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for your daughters. And I'm not talking about picking them
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up from school. Or just helping them with homework or
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anything like that. I'm talking about the foundational presence of
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a father and what you bring to the table for
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your daughters for the rest of their life.
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Now, I took a deep, dark look at this.
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About four years ago, Maya and I we had an
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argument and it wasn't even that bad of an argument.
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It was just an argument.
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But for some reason, my daughter, which was in the
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other room, she heard this and she came up to
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me about two hours later, and she goes, Dad.
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Do you love Mom?
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And I thought to myself, this is the worst possible
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question coming from my daughter, is do you love Mom?
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Because I've always thought that my kids and my sons,
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my daughters, my wife, they should automatically know that I
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love their mother. I absolutely, I would die for take
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a bullet for I will work my fingers to the
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bone for it. Don't matter what it is when it
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comes to my wife. She is my queen and my
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daughters should know that. And I sat back and I
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thought it hit me like a ton of bricks, literally
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like walking in front of a train and getting smacked.
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My daughter saying do you love mom? Almost getting emotional
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about it. Right now, just talking about it. But I said, absolutely, I.
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Love your mother more than anything.
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And you know, we sat down and we talked, and
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she's just a little girl. But I talked about the
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importance of dads loving their moms and how sometimes moms
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and dads argue.
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But it's still, folks, it's still didn't make me feel any.
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Better about the way that she thought that I looked
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at her mother, and so I did a deep dive
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and I came up with my own philosophy on this.
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I've always tried to do a good job.
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Obviously, you're never one hundred percent of what you want
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to be, and no matter the only thing you can
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do is keep getting better, keep getting better, and keep
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getting better and owning when you're wrong.
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That's a problem I think with a lot of fathers.
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You know, we're taught to be macho and you know,
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not make mistakes and do things like that.
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I have come to.
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The understanding that sometimes our failures are just as important
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for our kids to see as when we win. And
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particularly when it comes to girls. I mean, if you
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start looking at the fatherless statistics for girls, drug and
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alcohol abuse is almost four hundred percent higher when it
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comes to girls and fatherless homes, Poverty way way way
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higher for girls that don't have a father around.
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Now.
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Life's not perfect, and I'm not saying that good kids
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can't be raised by a single father, by a single mother.
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I'm not saying that, but I'm saying it's a lot
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lot harder, and the statistics say that it's going to
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be a lot harder for the child. So I implore you,
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and I beg you parents. First of all, try to
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stay together. Do everything you can to exhaust every measure
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to stay together. And it's not easy. I'm not saying
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that at all. In this marriage twenty two years I've
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been with her. My previous marriage was eight years. But
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it's so important for little girls and little boys. But
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we're talking about girls. I think that fathers provide the
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found foundation the lessons that we can give its. Fathers,
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you know, they shape our daughter's self esteem. We are
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a huge factor when it comes to their future relationships.
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And I believe that fathers.
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More than anybody in the home, more than you know,
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any icon that your daughters have, more than any of that.
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I think that our daughters get their worldview a lot
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from their fathers. So do what can we do as fathers?
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Like if you're a good father and you try every day,
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remember I want you to remember this. Guys, just because
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you screw up, just because you fail, that doesn't mean
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you're a bad father.
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That just means that you're a father.
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Trying to get better, trying to fix those issues, constantly
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searching have I been as good as I can be?
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Have I and having an honest conversation with yourself, you know,
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judging yourself. It's okay if you're going to judge anybody.
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Judge yourself though. I know every every father, every husband,
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they're listening to this and they know exactly what I'm
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talking about. While you're at work, while you're driving home,
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when you come in and you see your kids, you
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always have that doubt in your mind, am I being
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good enough? And it makes us want to strive to
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be more, to do more as fathers. That's completely normal.
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But when it comes to our daughter specifically, I believe
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that me as a dad, if I show the people
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around me, children included, but most of all their mother love,
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If I show a respect, you know, this is teaching
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my daughter. Every single day they guess what you deserve?
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To be valued? You deserve to be respected by others.
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I always tell my daughters, you're queen's and I hope
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that they that sticks with them because I expect them
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to find somebody that treats them like a queen.
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That's my expectation in my head.
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The reality is they are going to pick somebody that
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treats them exactly the way that I.
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Treat their mother.
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They are going to treat people based off what they
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have seen me, specifically me and their mother, but specifically
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me how I treat other people.
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They're going to do that. It's how they learn to live.
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It's carnal knowledge, it's instinctual at a human level. You know,
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if I encourage my daughter, I can boost her confidence.
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And any of you that have daughters know how important
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self confiden and says to a young girl to know that, hey,
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Dad's got my back. Mom's got my back, but Dad
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has my back. He thinks that I'm valuable. He thinks
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that I can do this, and if he thinks I
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can do this, I think I can do this. You know,
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our daughters look at how we do things. They're constantly
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observing how we treat our moms. And if you know,
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if it's not the mom and the father's with the girlfriend.
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How is dad treating that girlfriend? How are they How
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is dad treating other women in his life? Because young
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girls compare themselves to other women all the time, I
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would say much more than boys, do.
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You know?
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I me as the dad, I set the example for
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them for what a healthy relationship looks like. I set
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the bar for them on how a husband should love
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his wife. I tell young kids all the time, if
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you're going to have kids and you're going to be
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a girlfriend, or you have a girlfriend and a wife,
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love them with passion. Because when you do have kids,
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if you have a daughter, how do you want your
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daughter in her life? What kind of man do you
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want her to be with. I want my daughters to
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have these husbands that go live life and they're right
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there next to them. I want them to be with
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a husband that they know will protect them, that will
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love them, that will give them the space and encouragement
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to be everything they want to be. Yeah, that's another
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thing as a father that I think is so important.
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Listening and man, is that a lesson folks. My father
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told me one time, He's like, you know what, son,
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Sometimes with your wife, you just need to listen. Now,
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we're programmed as men like we want to fix things
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and we want to talk about everything logically, emotion very
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rarely enters our mind, at least how we're going to
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unpack the emotion. We look at everything from a logical standpoint.
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But to be a good husband and to be a
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good father, sometimes you need to be a listener and.
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Not a fixer.
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And what you learn as you get older is that
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sometimes listening is part of fixing. They come up to
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you with the problem, they need to talk about it,
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Let them talk about it. If they ask you for help,
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that's different. But if they just want to talk, sometimes
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you just need to listen. And listening, especially for little girls,
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is part of communication. You know, if you listen and
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you can communicate openly, you can you know, show affection openly.
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You can be the perfect model for a positive relationships.
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You know, the dynamics of any relationship are all learned.
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If a young girl is around her mother and it's
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a boyfriend, it's a husband, whatever, and they are going
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through domestic violence constantly, the young girl, just by attrition
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of learning, is going to think, well, this is normal.
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People go through this all the time.
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It desensitizes our young girls on what they should be
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experiencing to how bad it really is. So fathers, love
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your wife passionately, publicly, privately, and try your best not
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to argue in front of your kids it's going to
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and try to limit the damage when you can, but
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absolutely love your wife with passion. I think that it's
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important for us dads to understand the value that we
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have when we encourage our daughters to do something, When
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we encourage them to actually go out and you know,
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problem solve two things. Sometimes the best thing you can
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do as a parent is give them enough confidence to fail,
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because when you fail, and I'm talking about our little girls,
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there's two ways for them. They can get all down
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about it or they can become resilient. And little girls
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they are super smart, critical thinking. Installing that idealism in
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your daughter is a life lesson that they will use forever.
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You have to give your daughter.
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A sense of independence, something that they can say, hey,
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I did this, Yeah I'm resilient. Guess what I can
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problem solve. I can critically think for myself because I
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don't need a man.
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I want a man. I want a man to want me.
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If my daughters want to go to college and they
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want to have a career, and you know, they want
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to be single. Guess what me Traditionally, as I am,
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I'm going to be like, you know what, I don't
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think you're going to be happy.
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But if that's literally what.
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They want to do, I'm behind them one hundred percent.
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You have to teach them life lessons, but you need
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to make sure that your daughter can stand on her
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own two feet, have independence, and she needs to know
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that you got her back, that you have confidence in her,
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and hopefully you've taught her enough life lessons that critical
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thinking and problem solving is just it's literally right there.
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It's not some secondary it's literally part of who they are,