Jan. 6, 2026

What 13 Kids Taught Me About Humanity

What 13 Kids Taught Me About Humanity
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What does raising 13 children teach you about people, love, patience, and the human heart?

In this deeply personal episode of We Are The Hansons, host Myia Hanson reflects on the life-changing lessons learned from raising a large blended family with children ranging from 30 years old to 7. From laughter and chaos to heartbreak and growth, this episode explores what family life reveals about human nature, connection, and grace.

Through honest storytelling and real-world experience, Myia shares how parenting thirteen kids has reshaped her understanding of empathy, resilience, fairness, and unconditional love. This isn’t just a parenting episode—it’s a conversation about humanity itself.

Listeners will hear insights on:

  • Why being seen matters more than being perfect
  • How love grows instead of dividing in large families
  • What children teach us about patience, forgiveness, and grace
  • Why humor and presence are essential for emotional survival
  • How family life mirrors the struggles and beauty of the human experience

Whether you’re raising one child, thirteen children, part of a blended family, or simply navigating relationships and personal growth, this episode offers powerful takeaways that apply far beyond parenting.

Rooted in real life and shared from the heart of Springfield, Missouri, this episode invites you to slow down, reflect, and reconnect—with your family, with others, and with yourself.

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People ask me all the time, how do you survive

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with thirteen kids? They expect chaos, noise, burnout. They expect

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me to look exhausted, overwhelmed, barely holding it together. What

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they don't expect is my answer. Thirteen kids didn't dream

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my humanity. They taught me humanity. How to love people

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when they're loud, messy, emotional, wrong, right, scared, brave and unfinished.

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How to see past behavior to the heart underneath. How

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to forgive seventy times seven. How to laugh when I

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want to cry, how to stay when I want to run.

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This is what thirteen kids taught me about who we

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really are, about what it means to be human, about

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what matters most. Welcome back to We Are the Hansens,

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the podcast where we talk about family, faith, laughter, chaos,

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and the beautiful mess of real life. I'm Maya Hanson.

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If you're new here, Yes, you heard that right. Thirteen kids,

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five grandchildren, one more grandchild on the way, and a

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whole lot of stories that range from hilarious to heartbreaking

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and everything in between. Today's episode is personal, not polished,

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not perfect, just honest. It's about the lessons you don't

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learn from books or podcasts or parenting experts. The lessons

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you learn from people who live in your house, eat

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your food, borrow your clothes without asking, break your heart,

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and then feel it again in ways you never expected.

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So grab your coffee, take a breath, and settle in.

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Maybe turn off your phone for the next fifty minutes.

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Give yourself permission to just listen and reflect. This is

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what thirteen kids taught me about humanity. I remember one morning,

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six twelve am. Someone was crying over a lost toy.

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Someone was laughing hysterically at something only they understood. Two

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kids were in a heated argument about whether fruit loops

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or Cheerios was the superior breakfast cereal, and one child

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was absolutely convinced that the world was ending because we

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were out of clean socks and nothing else would possibly work.

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That was before coffee. That was before I even fully

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woke up. That was just Tuesday. Let's start with the obvious.

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Humanity is loud. It cries at two am over things

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that seem small but feel enormous. It laughs during serious

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moments because laughter is how some of us process fear.

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It slams doors when words aren't enough. It asked questions

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at the worst possible time, because curiosity doesn't wait for convenience.

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When you have thirteen kids, silence becomes suspicious. Silence usually

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means someone is plotting something, hiding something, or about to

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break something expensive. I've learned this the hard way when

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I walked into a quiet living room one afternoon and

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found that three of my kids had decided to give

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the dog a makeover. With permanent markers. They turned our

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English massive into what they called a rainbow puppy. The

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dog survived, My nerves did not. But in high sight,

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that moment was actually beautiful in a chaotic way. They

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were creating something together. They were collaborating, they were expressing

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themselves and their wild, uninhabited joy. It was just unfortunate

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that their canvas was a living creature who couldn't consent

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to becoming a work of abstract art. And that's the

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thing about noise. It's rarely just noise. It's communication, its emotion,

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its existence happening out loud. It's humanity refusing to be muted.

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I used to get so frustrated by constant soundtrack in

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my house, the arguing over whose turn it was to

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choose the movie, the laughing that turned into screaming that

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turned back into laughing. The crying over homework or hurt feelings,

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or just general overwhelm. The yelling from diff diferent rooms

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because walking ten feet to have a conversation was apparently

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too much effort. The singing, sometimes on key, usually not.

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The stomping up and down the stairs, sometimes all happening

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in different rooms, creating a symphony of chaos. But then

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I spent a week at a motel, and you know

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what I felt in that quiet, pristine, perfectly organized hotel room. Lonely,

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unbearably lonely. I missed the noise. I missed the chaos.

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I miss the sound of life happening around me. I

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missed knowing that my people were there, alive, engaged, existing

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loudly in the world. Because here's what I've learned. Loud

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doesn't mean broken. Our culture tells us that noise is stress,

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that stillness equals peace, and a good life is a

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quiet life. We're sold the idea that chaos means failure,

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that if your house is loud, you're doing something wrong,

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that well behaved children should be seen and not heard.

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The kids taught me that noise is life. Joy is

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loud just think about it. Weddings, celebrations, victories, reunions, they're

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all loud. Pain is loud too, Grief doesn't whisper. Growth

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is loud because change is uncomfortable and disorienting. Discovery is

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loud because excitement can't contain itself. Think about it. When

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was the last time you experienced something truly meaningful in silence.

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Weddings are loud, celebrations are loud. Even grief real, honest,

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from the gut, grief is loud. Human beings weren't meant

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to be muted. We weren't designed to experience life on

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low volume. We were made to laugh until we cry,

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to cry and till we're empty, to shout for joy,

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to scream and frustration, to sing badly in the shower,

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to express ourselves fully. I think about times I've tried

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to quiet my kids when they were excited about something,

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when they were processing difficult emotions, when they were just

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being their authentic, unfiltered selves, And I realize now I

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wasn't teaching them peace. I was teaching them to shrink,

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to be smaller, to take up less space in the world,

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to make themselves more convenient for me. We try to

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quiet people. Instead of understanding them, we lose connection. We

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lose the opportunity to truly know them, to see what

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they're really feeling underneath all that noise, to understand what

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they're really saying when words fail them. One of my

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daughters used to get loud when she was scared, not

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angry loud, scared loud. It took me years to realize

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that when she raised her voice, she wasn't being defiant

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or disrespectful. She was drowning. She was panicking. She was

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trying to make herself bigger than the fear that was

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consuming her. The day I stopped trying to quiet her

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and started listening to what the loudness meant, everything shifted

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between us. She didn't need me to shush her, She

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needed me to hear her. She needed me to understand

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that volume was her SOS signal. Humanity is noisy because

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it's a lie, And maybe instead of demanding quiet, we

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should learn to listen better, to hear what's underneath the noise,

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to understand that sometimes the loudest person in the room

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is the one who needs the most love. With thirteen kids,

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you quickly learn something important. Attention is an optional if

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you don't give it intentionally, it will be taking creative,

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and not always in ways you'll appreciate it. I learned

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early on that if I didn't intentionally notice my kids

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who they were becoming, what they were struggling with, what

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made them light up, they would find a way to

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be noticed. Sometimes it was good grades, straight a's academic excellence.

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Look at me, I'm valuable because I'm smart. It was humor,

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glass clown energy, constant jokes. Look at me, I'm valuable

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because I'm entertaining. Sometimes it was rebellion, rules, broken boundaries tested,

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look at me, even if you don't like what you see.

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One of my sons became the family comedian. Every dinner

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turned into a performance, Every conversation had a punchline, Every

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serious moment got deflected with a joke. At first, I

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thought he was just naturally funny, that humor was his personality,

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his gift. Then I realized he was starving not for food,

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for acknowledgment. He had learned that being funny got my

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attention when nothing else did. So he performed night after night,

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joke after joke, and I laughed and I applauded, But

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I wasn't seeing him. I was watching his act, and

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the saddest part, he was so good at it, so

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naturally gifted at making people laugh, that I almost missed it,

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almost missed the fact that underneath all those jokes was

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a kid who just wanted me to ask how he

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was really doing, a kid who had learned that vulnerability

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didn't get attention, but humored it. One night, after everyone

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went to bed, I found him still awake in his room,

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and instead of telling him to go to sleep, something

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made me stop, made me sit down on the edge

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of his bed. I didn't say anything at first, I

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just sat, and after a few minutes of silence, he

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started talking, really talking, not performing, not making jokes, just

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being honest about how hard school was, how lonely he

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felt sometimes even though he had friends, how he wasn't

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sure who he was when he wasn't making people laugh,

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how exhausting it was to always be on I sat

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there listening, heartbroken that I almost missed this, that I'd

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been so distracted by the show, so entertained by the performance,

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that I hadn't seen the person behind the punchlines. From

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that night on, I made a commitment every week I

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would create space for each kid to be seen not

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for what they did, but for who they were. And

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that's when it hit me. If children act out when

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they feel invisible, how many adults are doing the same

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thing every single day. Kids act out when they feel invisible,

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Adults do the same. We just call it something else,

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We give it more sophisticated names, more socially acceptable labels. Workoholism,

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I'm valuable because I'm productive, addiction, I exist because I

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feel something, even if it's destructive anger. Notice me now,

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even if you hate what you see isolation, I'll disappear

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before you can ignore me. Perfectionism and flawless, because flawed

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means invisible drama. Chaos is better than being forgot. We

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create noise in our own ways. We perform, we overachieve,

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we self destruct, We do anything anything to be noticed,

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to matter, to exist in someone's awareness, every single child,

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no matter their personality, their age, their temperament. What's the

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same thing? Do you see me? Not? Do you agree

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with me? Not? Am I impressive? Not? Am I perfect

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enough to deserve your attention? Just do I matter to you?

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Do I exist in your world? Am I real to you?

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I started to experiment a few years ago. Every single

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day I would find one moment with each child where

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I gave them my full attention. No phone, no multitasking,

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no half listening while I mentally planned dinner or worried

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about bills or thought about my list, just presence, just

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seeing them fully. Sometimes it was only five minutes, sometimes less,

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but it was five minutes of complete presence, eye contact,

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active listening on divided attention. And you know what happened.

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The behavior issues dropped dramatically, the arguments decreased, the connection deepen,

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and the walls came down. It wasn't about more time.

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It was about better attention. It was about quality of presence,

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not quantity of ours. One of my teenagers told me recently, Mom,

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I don't need hours with you every day. I just

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need you to actually be there when you're there. I

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need you to know that for those few minutes, I'm

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the most important thing in your world. That hit me

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so hard I had to sit down, because how often

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do we give people the leftovers of our attention? How

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often are we physically present but emotionally absent. How often

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do we look at people without actually seeing them. Humanity

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isn't starving for answers it's starving for acknowledgment. For someone

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to put down their phone, close their laptop, turn off

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the TV, look us in the eye and say I

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see you, I hear you. You matter to me. You're

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not invisible. And when people feel seen, they soften, The

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walls come down, the defensiveness fades, the masks drop, the

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real person emerges. Because visibility is healing. Being truly seen

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is one of the most powerful experiences a human being

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can have. Here's the truth that makes people deeply uncomfortable.

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Love is not equal, and that doesn't mean it's unjust.

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It doesn't mean it's wrong. It means it's real. Each

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child needed something different from me. One needed firmness and

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structure to feel safe. One needed patience and endless second

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chances to believe they were worthy. One needed space to

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become themselves. One needed constant reassurance that they were enough.

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One needed me to laugh with them to match their

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energy to celebrate their joy. Another needed me to sit

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in silence beside them to respect their need to process alone.

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One of my kids needed me to push them toward

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their potential because they were capable of so much more

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than they believed. And another needed me to stop pushing

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entirely and just accept them exactly where they were because

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the pressure was crushing them. One thrived on physical affection, hugs,

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high fives, sitting close during movies. Another felt suffocated by

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too much touching and needed space to process emotions alone,

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needed permission to not be a hugger. I have one

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child who processes everything verbally. They need to talk things out,

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think out loud, work through problems by discussing every possible

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angle with another human being. And I have another child

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who shuts down completely if I push them to talk

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before they're ready. They need silence, time and space to

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figure things out, and internally first, they need me to

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stop asking questions and just trust that they'll come to

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me when they're ready. Same parents, same house, same love,

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completely different approaches. I remember the guilt I felt when

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I realized I was parenting each child differently. It felt

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like favoritism. It felt unfair, It felt like I was

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loving some more than others. One day, one of my

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kids said, how come you let her do that but

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you don't let me? And I froze because I didn't

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have a good answer that sounded fair. I didn't have

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a one size fits all rout I could point to.

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But then and my husband said something that changed everything.

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He looked at our child and said, because she's not

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you and you're not her, and fear doesn't mean everyone

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gets the same thing. It means everyone gets what they need.

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Then I had a conversation with one of my older daughters.

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I was apologizing for something, explaining that I was trying

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so hard to be fair to everyone but kept failing.

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And she stopped me and said, Mom, you don't love

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us the same You love us specifically. She said, you

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know exactly what each of us needs, and you give

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us that. That's not unfair. That's actually the most loving

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thing you could do. I don't want to be treated

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like everyone else. I want to be treated like me.

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That changed everything for me. I stopped trying to treat

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everyone equally and started trying to treat everyone appropriately. And

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you know what happened. The kids stop competing for fairness,

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They stopped keeping score. They started trusting that I knew them,

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that I saw them, that I loved them specifically for

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who they were. Fairness says everyone gets the same Love

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says everyone gets what they need. Think about a garden

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for a moment. You don't water every plant the same amount.

256
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Some need full sun, some need shade, some need constant

257
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attention and careful pruning. Others thrive when you leave them

258
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alone to grow wild. A good gardener doesn't treat every

259
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plant equal. They treat every plant appropriately. They learn what

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each one needs, and they provide it. Humanity works the

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same way we want systems to fix people. Rules that

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work universally, solutions we can apply to everyone. One size

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fits all parenting, one size fits all leadership, one size

264
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fits all relationships, one size fits all love. But people

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aren't systems. They're not machines that respond the same way

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to the same inputs. Their stories contradictory beautiful stories, and

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every story needs a different kind of listening, a different

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kind of response, a different kind of love. One of

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my sons needed structure and clear boundaries to feel safe.

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Rules made him feel secure. Knowing what was expected helped

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him thrive. Another son felt suffocated by the exact same structure.

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Too many rules made him feel controlled, not loved. He

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needed freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Same parents,

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same intention, completely different needs. One of my daughters needed

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words of affirmation constantly. I'm proud of you. You're amazing.

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I see how hard you're working. Without those words, she

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doubted everything about herself. Another daughter needed me to stop

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talking so much and just be with her. Too many

279
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words felt performative to her. She needed quiet presence, not

280
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constant verbal affirmation. And love listens before it labels. It

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doesn't say that's what everyone needs, So this is what

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I'll give. It asks what do you need? How can

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I love you in a way that actually reaches you?

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The hardest part about this excepting that what works beautifully

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for one person might actually hurt another. That being a

286
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good pay parent, a good friend, a good partner means

287
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being flexible, not rigid. It means caring more about connection

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than consistency, more about people than principles, more about hearts

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than rules. Let's be honest about something. Kids break stuff,

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We've lost, lamps to imprompt indoor soccer games, phones to

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toilet swimming lessons, walls to furniture, rearrangement experiments, doors to

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00:23:33.799 --> 00:23:40.880
emotional slams, furniture to creative forces, and one unforgettable incident

293
00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:45.440
involving a sailing fan, a jump rope, and a YouTube

294
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tutorial that shall never be spoken of again. The replacement

295
00:23:50.799 --> 00:23:54.920
costs alone could have funded a small car. But what

296
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surprised me wasn't what they broke in the house. It

297
00:23:59.400 --> 00:24:02.559
was what they do broken meat. There were days I

298
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felt unseen myself, not just by my kids, but by everyone.

299
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Days I questioned whether I was doing any of this right,

300
00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:16.640
whether I mattered, whether I was making any difference at all.

301
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Days I cried in the bathroom, not because I was weak,

302
00:24:22.160 --> 00:24:24.799
but because I needed five minutes to feel like a

303
00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:29.400
human being instead of just a function. I remember one

304
00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:32.960
particular season where everything felt like it was falling apart.

305
00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:38.759
One kid was struggling in school, not just academically but socially.

306
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They were being bullied, coming home in tears, and I

307
00:24:43.039 --> 00:24:47.680
felt completely powerless to protect them. I couldn't fix it,

308
00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:51.160
I couldn't make it stop. I could only watch my

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child suffer. Another was going through a health crisis that

310
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we didn't have answers for yet, doctor's appointments, tests, specialist waiting. Fear,

311
00:25:05.319 --> 00:25:07.400
the kind of fear that wakes you up at three

312
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:12.640
am in a cold sweat. My marriage felt distant, not

313
00:25:12.759 --> 00:25:15.799
because we didn't love each other, but because we were

314
00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:19.920
both so depleted from giving everything to everyone else, that

315
00:25:19.960 --> 00:25:24.039
we had nothing left for us. We were operating as

316
00:25:24.079 --> 00:25:32.279
a functional team, but we'd forgotten how to be partners, lovers, friends.

317
00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:36.359
I felt like I was failing everyone, Failing as a mother,

318
00:25:36.960 --> 00:25:41.559
failing as a wife, failing as a human being, failing

319
00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:45.920
at the one job I've chosen above all others. And

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00:25:45.960 --> 00:25:49.960
I broke not in a dramatic way, not in an

321
00:25:50.119 --> 00:25:55.160
obvious way, in a quiet, devastating, slow motion kind of way.

322
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I stopped believing I was enough. I stopped believing I mattered.

323
00:26:01.559 --> 00:26:04.559
I started to think that my family would genuinely be

324
00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:07.920
better off if I just disappeared for a while, if

325
00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:13.839
someone else, someone better, someone more patient, someone less broken,

326
00:26:14.680 --> 00:26:17.920
could step in and do this job. I was clearly failing.

327
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At one night, I sat on the kitchen floor after

328
00:26:21.559 --> 00:26:29.079
everyone went to bed, and I just wept. Not pretty crying, ugly, exhausted, crying,

329
00:26:29.920 --> 00:26:32.640
the kind where you can't catch your breath and snot

330
00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:35.519
is running down your face and you just don't even

331
00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:39.240
care who might hear you or see you. And my

332
00:26:39.279 --> 00:26:42.440
oldest daughter came out. She was supposed to be asleep,

333
00:26:43.319 --> 00:26:46.440
but she heard me, and she came to me. She

334
00:26:46.480 --> 00:26:50.039
didn't say anything. At first, she just sat next to

335
00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:55.680
me on the cold kitchen floor, this beautiful teenage girl

336
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who should have been dreaming sitting with her completely broken mother.

337
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Then she put her hand on my back, just rested

338
00:27:04.359 --> 00:27:09.000
it there and said quietly, Mom, you don't have to

339
00:27:09.039 --> 00:27:13.480
be unbreakable. We just need you to be real. And

340
00:27:13.519 --> 00:27:17.359
I realized in that moment, I'd been so focused on

341
00:27:17.519 --> 00:27:22.160
being strong that I'd forgotten to be human, so focused

342
00:27:22.160 --> 00:27:26.160
on holding it together that I'd denied myself the right

343
00:27:26.200 --> 00:27:29.680
to fall apart, so focused on being what I thought

344
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:34.519
they needed, that I'd hidden who I actually was. And

345
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here's the lesson that took me years to learn. Broken

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00:27:37.720 --> 00:27:44.559
things aren't useless. Their invitations, invitations to repair, to forgive,

347
00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:49.759
to grow stronger at the scenes, to be honest about

348
00:27:49.759 --> 00:27:55.599
our limits, to ask for help, to be human. Japanese

349
00:27:55.640 --> 00:28:00.759
has this beautiful concept art where broken pottery is repaired

350
00:28:00.799 --> 00:28:07.440
with gold. The cracks aren't hidden, they aren't disguised, They're highlighted,

351
00:28:08.400 --> 00:28:13.319
filled with precious metal, turned into something even more beautiful

352
00:28:13.880 --> 00:28:18.720
than the original. The breaking and the healing, they're both

353
00:28:19.160 --> 00:28:25.400
part of the story. The scars become art. Humanity isn't fragile.

354
00:28:26.279 --> 00:28:31.039
It's resilient. We survive more than we think we can survive.

355
00:28:32.039 --> 00:28:35.319
We heal more than we believe we can heal. We

356
00:28:35.440 --> 00:28:39.839
become stronger in the exact places where we once thought

357
00:28:40.480 --> 00:28:45.359
we were completely ruined. My kids have broken me, broken,

358
00:28:45.400 --> 00:28:51.240
my illusions broken, my pride broken, my need for control, broken,

359
00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:54.279
my belief that I could do this perfectly. And they've

360
00:28:54.279 --> 00:28:58.400
also healed me. They've shown me my limits and then

361
00:28:58.400 --> 00:29:02.039
shown me I'm capable of more than I knew. They've

362
00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:07.240
shattered my illusions of control and given me something better. Connection,

363
00:29:08.160 --> 00:29:14.200
real love, not performance. Being broken isn't the end. It's

364
00:29:14.240 --> 00:29:18.960
the beginning of becoming real. Like a velveteen rabbit. You

365
00:29:19.000 --> 00:29:23.359
don't become real without getting worn down, without losing some hair,

366
00:29:24.079 --> 00:29:28.039
without getting a little shabby around the edges. That's what

367
00:29:28.119 --> 00:29:31.960
love does. It wears you down until you're real. You

368
00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:37.079
can't control thirteen kids. Trust me. I've tried, Oh how

369
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:45.720
I've tried. I've had schedules, systems, rules, consequences, charts on

370
00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:52.920
the wall tracking every behavior, color coded calendars, checklists, expectations

371
00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:57.759
posted on the refrigerator, Structures that would make a military

372
00:29:57.839 --> 00:30:02.759
general proud. You know what, what happened. Life laughed at

373
00:30:02.759 --> 00:30:07.960
my plans, just absolutely mocked them. Kids got sick. On

374
00:30:07.960 --> 00:30:12.079
the day I planned the perfect educational field trip. Teenagers

375
00:30:12.119 --> 00:30:17.440
made choices I hadn't prepared them for, hadn't even imagined

376
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:22.440
they'd face toddlers, destroyed things I didn't know where physically

377
00:30:22.519 --> 00:30:28.599
possible to destroy. Plans failed before we even started. Systems

378
00:30:28.640 --> 00:30:32.640
broke down within hours, and I spent more time trying

379
00:30:32.680 --> 00:30:36.240
to enforce the structure than actually connecting with my kids.

380
00:30:37.200 --> 00:30:41.119
I remember one particular instance. One of my kids broke

381
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:47.319
a rule, a significant one we discussed multiple times, and

382
00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:52.319
according to my carefully constructed system, there was a consequence,

383
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:56.839
a big one, non negotiable. But when I sat down

384
00:30:56.920 --> 00:31:00.799
to enforce it, something felt wrong in my life gut.

385
00:31:01.599 --> 00:31:07.799
I looked at this kid, this beautiful, struggling, imperfect kid

386
00:31:08.279 --> 00:31:11.839
who was trying so hard to figure life out, and

387
00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:16.599
I realized they didn't need punishment, They needed help. They

388
00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:19.759
hadn't broken the rule because they were defiant or trying

389
00:31:19.759 --> 00:31:23.519
to hurt me. They broke it because they were completely

390
00:31:23.559 --> 00:31:27.880
overwhelmed and didn't know what else to do. They were drowning,

391
00:31:28.279 --> 00:31:31.480
and breaking the rule was their way of screaming for help.

392
00:31:32.599 --> 00:31:36.640
And in that moment, I had a choice. Stick to

393
00:31:36.680 --> 00:31:43.519
the system, maintain consistency, follow through with the consequences, or

394
00:31:43.640 --> 00:31:50.880
choose grace. Schedules, break plans, fail rules evolved. Life is

395
00:31:50.960 --> 00:31:55.599
messy and complicated and rarely fits into neat boxes. You

396
00:31:55.599 --> 00:32:02.240
know what I learned. Control creates compliance, Grace creates transformation.

397
00:32:03.319 --> 00:32:09.240
That's a massive fundamental difference between the two. Compliance is external.

398
00:32:10.200 --> 00:32:15.279
It's behavior modification. It's I'll do what you want because

399
00:32:15.279 --> 00:32:19.640
I'm afraid of what happens if I don't. It's obedience

400
00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:26.759
without heart. Change it's performance without growth. Transformation is internal.

401
00:32:27.960 --> 00:32:30.519
It's I'm becoming who I'm meant to be because I

402
00:32:30.559 --> 00:32:34.599
feel safe enough to grow. It's change that comes from

403
00:32:34.680 --> 00:32:40.240
the inside out, not from the outside in. It's real, lasting,

404
00:32:40.640 --> 00:32:48.119
authentic growth. And here's what's wild. Transformation actually lasts. Compliance

405
00:32:48.200 --> 00:32:54.400
is temporary the second you're not watching, compliance disappears. But

406
00:32:54.519 --> 00:33:00.559
transformation that stays, that becomes part of who someone is.

407
00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:06.200
I spent years and years trying to control my kid's behavior,

408
00:33:07.200 --> 00:33:10.079
trying to make them fit into a vision I had

409
00:33:10.119 --> 00:33:13.200
for who they should be, trying to mold them into

410
00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:17.119
many versions of what I thought was right, and all

411
00:33:17.160 --> 00:33:24.680
I got was exhaustion, distance, resentment on both sides, kids

412
00:33:24.680 --> 00:33:28.440
who were obedient in front of me and completely different

413
00:33:28.480 --> 00:33:32.839
when I wasn't around. Then I shifted. Instead of asking

414
00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:36.960
how do I make them behave? I started asking how

415
00:33:36.960 --> 00:33:41.400
do I help them become? Instead of control, I offered

416
00:33:41.400 --> 00:33:46.559
guidance instead of fear. I offered safety instead of perfection.

417
00:33:47.599 --> 00:33:52.759
I offered grace. Grace says I see you, I see

418
00:33:52.759 --> 00:33:56.400
your struggling, and I'm here. I know you messed up,

419
00:33:57.200 --> 00:34:00.720
I know you made a terrible choice, and I still

420
00:34:00.759 --> 00:34:06.240
love you. You're still valuable, you're still worthy, You're still mine.

421
00:34:06.759 --> 00:34:10.880
Human beings change faster when they feel safe, not scared.

422
00:34:12.079 --> 00:34:18.920
Fear modifies behavior importantly. Fear modifies behavior temporarily. Grace changes

423
00:34:19.000 --> 00:34:22.880
hearts permanently. Think about your own life for a moment,

424
00:34:23.719 --> 00:34:28.199
almost the last time someone criticized you into growth, shamed

425
00:34:28.239 --> 00:34:32.960
you into transformation, made you feel small until you decided

426
00:34:33.039 --> 00:34:37.760
to be better. It doesn't work, it never works. But

427
00:34:37.880 --> 00:34:40.199
when someone believes in you even when you mess up,

428
00:34:40.400 --> 00:34:43.119
when they see your potential even when you can't see

429
00:34:43.159 --> 00:34:46.679
it yourself, when they love you through your worst moments

430
00:34:46.760 --> 00:34:51.639
instead of condemning you for them. That changes everything, that

431
00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:55.960
creates space for real growth. And that's not just true

432
00:34:55.960 --> 00:35:04.679
for children, that's true for marriages, friends, workplaces, communities, every

433
00:35:04.800 --> 00:35:09.480
single relationship you'll ever have. When you lead with control,

434
00:35:10.599 --> 00:35:17.199
we get obedience at best, rebellion at worst, resentment either way.

435
00:35:18.440 --> 00:35:24.880
When you lead with grace, we get growth, connection, transformation,

436
00:35:26.119 --> 00:35:31.559
real relationship. With thirteen kids, you're going to get hurt,

437
00:35:32.679 --> 00:35:36.599
not just physically, though. I've taken more elbows to the

438
00:35:36.639 --> 00:35:40.559
face and a hockey goal stepped on, more legos than

439
00:35:40.599 --> 00:35:45.480
should be mainly possible, and sustained injuries I didn't know

440
00:35:45.519 --> 00:35:53.719
where achievable from normal household activities. Emotionally, deeply, unexpectedly, kids

441
00:35:53.760 --> 00:35:55.920
say things they don't mean in the heat of anger.

442
00:35:56.000 --> 00:35:59.000
They push you away when they need you most because

443
00:35:59.039 --> 00:36:01.679
they don't know how I'll to process what they're feeling.

444
00:36:02.360 --> 00:36:06.639
They make choices that terrify you, choices that put them

445
00:36:06.679 --> 00:36:10.000
at risk. They break your heart in ways you didn't

446
00:36:10.039 --> 00:36:13.559
even know where possible. And if you don't learn to forgive,

447
00:36:14.079 --> 00:36:20.039
you'll suffocate on resentment, You'll drown in bitterness. Forgiveness isn't

448
00:36:20.079 --> 00:36:25.079
optional in a large family. It's oxygen we either breathe

449
00:36:25.119 --> 00:36:30.199
it in constantly or you die slowly. We either learn

450
00:36:30.239 --> 00:36:33.679
to let things go, or you'll spend your whole life

451
00:36:33.760 --> 00:36:38.519
keeping score, and trust me, keeping score in a family

452
00:36:38.599 --> 00:36:43.039
of fifteen means you'll never stop counting. I'm not talking

453
00:36:43.079 --> 00:36:46.519
about fake forgiveness here, not the kind where you say

454
00:36:46.719 --> 00:36:49.719
I forgive you through gritted teeth, but secretly keep a

455
00:36:49.800 --> 00:36:53.920
detailed record of every wrong for future reference. Not the

456
00:36:54.000 --> 00:36:58.679
kind where you bring up later in an argument as ammunition,

457
00:37:00.199 --> 00:37:02.679
kind where you say the words but hold on to

458
00:37:02.800 --> 00:37:07.840
the wound. I'm talking about real forgiveness, the costly kind,

459
00:37:08.000 --> 00:37:10.239
the kind that requires you to let go of the

460
00:37:10.360 --> 00:37:15.280
right punish, the kind that means actually releasing the offense

461
00:37:15.360 --> 00:37:19.360
instead of just pretending to. One of my teenagers went

462
00:37:19.440 --> 00:37:25.039
through a face, a long, difficult face, where every conversation

463
00:37:25.239 --> 00:37:28.719
felt like a battle, Every request was met with attitude,

464
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:34.840
every boundary was tested and pushed and crossed. Every interaction

465
00:37:35.039 --> 00:37:42.599
left me feeling disrespected, unappreciated, and visible. And I was hurt, deeply,

466
00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:48.679
profoundly hurt. This was a child I sacrificed for, stayed

467
00:37:48.760 --> 00:37:53.000
up nights for, poured my life into and this was

468
00:37:53.039 --> 00:37:56.639
how they were treating me. I remember thinking, after everything

469
00:37:56.679 --> 00:38:00.000
I've done for you, after all I'd given up for you,

470
00:38:00.800 --> 00:38:04.599
this is how you treat me. The resentment was building,

471
00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:09.519
the hurt was solidifying into something harder, something that felt permanent.

472
00:38:10.400 --> 00:38:15.000
Then I realized something that changed my perspective completely. They

473
00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:19.519
weren't trying to hurt me. They were trying to survive adolescence.

474
00:38:20.280 --> 00:38:23.079
They were trying to figure out who they were apart

475
00:38:23.159 --> 00:38:28.960
from me, separate from my expectations, independent from my vision

476
00:38:29.199 --> 00:38:33.320
for their life and their anger. It wasn't about me

477
00:38:33.400 --> 00:38:36.639
at all. It was about them. It was about the

478
00:38:36.679 --> 00:38:40.880
confusion and the fear and uncertainty of becoming a person.

479
00:38:42.000 --> 00:38:44.920
It was about not knowing who the person was supposed

480
00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:48.760
to be. And I had a choice hold on to

481
00:38:48.880 --> 00:38:54.559
the hurt and create distance, build walls, keep score, make

482
00:38:54.599 --> 00:38:59.239
them earn their way back into my good graces, or

483
00:38:59.320 --> 00:39:04.800
forgiven care, cate space for reconnection. I chose forgiveness not

484
00:39:04.920 --> 00:39:09.679
because they deserved it, not because they earned it, not

485
00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:13.400
even because they asked for it, but because our relationship

486
00:39:13.519 --> 00:39:17.039
was worth more than my wounded pride, because I loved

487
00:39:17.119 --> 00:39:20.639
them more than I needed to be right, Because holding

488
00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:24.360
on to hurt was slowly killing something precious between us.

489
00:39:24.960 --> 00:39:29.079
You know what happened a few years later, years of

490
00:39:29.199 --> 00:39:34.280
choosing forgiveness over resentment, years of choosing connection over being right,

491
00:39:35.159 --> 00:39:37.840
that same kid looked at me with tears in their

492
00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:41.079
eyes and said, thank you for not giving up on

493
00:39:41.119 --> 00:39:43.960
me when I was awful. Thank you for loving me

494
00:39:44.079 --> 00:39:49.079
when I was completely unlovable. Humanity needs forgiveness like it

495
00:39:49.119 --> 00:39:53.679
needs air. We all mess up, every single one of us.

496
00:39:54.239 --> 00:39:57.400
We all say things we regret, We all hurt people

497
00:39:57.440 --> 00:40:02.199
we love. We all fail specifically at being people we

498
00:40:02.239 --> 00:40:04.800
want to be. And if we can't find a way

499
00:40:04.840 --> 00:40:09.719
to forgive and be forgiven, we'll live in isolation. We'll

500
00:40:09.719 --> 00:40:13.440
build walls around ourselves so high that nothing can hurt us,

501
00:40:13.760 --> 00:40:17.920
but nothing can reach us either. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting.

502
00:40:18.719 --> 00:40:22.360
It doesn't mean pretending it never happened. It doesn't mean

503
00:40:22.400 --> 00:40:26.960
there aren't consequences. It doesn't mean you immediately trust someone

504
00:40:26.960 --> 00:40:31.400
who's broken your trust. It means choosing connection over contempt.

505
00:40:32.400 --> 00:40:36.880
It means refusing to let bitterness steal your future. It

506
00:40:36.920 --> 00:40:39.960
means loving someone enough to release them from the debt

507
00:40:40.039 --> 00:40:42.559
they owe you. If you don't laugh in a house

508
00:40:42.679 --> 00:40:47.440
with thirteen kids, you won't make it. That's not hyperbole,

509
00:40:48.440 --> 00:40:52.239
that's survival strategy. There was a season where I felt

510
00:40:52.239 --> 00:40:56.719
like I was failing constantly, like every single day brought

511
00:40:56.880 --> 00:41:02.760
new evidence that I was incompetent, overwhelmed, barely holding it together.

512
00:41:04.159 --> 00:41:07.119
Nothing was going according to plant. The house looked like

513
00:41:07.159 --> 00:41:11.639
a tornado had a fight with a hurricane. I couldn't

514
00:41:11.639 --> 00:41:14.159
remember the last time I had a conversation with my

515
00:41:14.280 --> 00:41:18.760
husband that didn't involve logistics or crisis management for whose

516
00:41:18.760 --> 00:41:21.960
turn it was to deal with whatever disaster had just happened.

517
00:41:22.760 --> 00:41:26.639
I was drowning and I wasn't laughing. Then one of

518
00:41:26.639 --> 00:41:30.159
my kids looked at me during absolute chaos. I don't

519
00:41:30.159 --> 00:41:34.960
even remember what had happened, probably something involving spilt milk

520
00:41:35.079 --> 00:41:38.800
or broken glass or someone crying, and said, with perfect

521
00:41:39.039 --> 00:41:44.000
comedia timing, well at least we're interesting. Nobody's going to

522
00:41:44.039 --> 00:41:48.320
write boring books about this family. And I laughed. I

523
00:41:48.440 --> 00:41:53.239
laughed so hard I cried. I laughed until I couldn't breathe.

524
00:41:53.480 --> 00:41:56.280
I laughed until the kids started laughing at me laughing,

525
00:41:57.559 --> 00:42:02.559
and suddenly the chaos didn't feel quite overwhelming. Laughter saved

526
00:42:02.559 --> 00:42:06.519
our family more times than discipline ever did laughing at

527
00:42:06.559 --> 00:42:10.519
messes instead of crying over them, laughing at mistakes instead

528
00:42:10.559 --> 00:42:13.840
of being crushed by them, laughing at ourselves instead of

529
00:42:13.920 --> 00:42:18.119
taking ourselves so seriously all the time. One morning I

530
00:42:18.159 --> 00:42:20.880
walked into the kitchen to find that someone had attempted

531
00:42:20.880 --> 00:42:26.360
to make pancakes unsupervised. There was batter everywhere, on the counters,

532
00:42:26.599 --> 00:42:31.360
on the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling, the ceiling.

533
00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:35.039
I stood there trying to figure out the physics of

534
00:42:35.119 --> 00:42:39.000
how you get pancake batter on a ceiling, and came

535
00:42:39.079 --> 00:42:43.320
up empty. I had two choices in that moment, lose

536
00:42:43.360 --> 00:42:48.920
my mind completely, lose it scream about responsibility and following

537
00:42:49.039 --> 00:42:53.719
rules and making messes, or lose it laughing. I chose laughter.

538
00:42:54.400 --> 00:42:57.199
I took a picture. We all cleaned it up together

539
00:42:57.280 --> 00:43:02.199
while making jokes about our newfound career as abstract stealing artists.

540
00:43:03.119 --> 00:43:06.599
And now it's one of our favorite family stories. Because

541
00:43:06.599 --> 00:43:11.000
here's the truth. In twenty years, nobody's going to remember

542
00:43:11.159 --> 00:43:15.480
how clean my house was on any given Tuesday. Nobody's

543
00:43:15.559 --> 00:43:18.800
going to care if my kitchen was spotless, or if

544
00:43:18.840 --> 00:43:22.280
the laundry was always folded and put away on schedule.

545
00:43:22.800 --> 00:43:25.440
But they'll remember if I was fun to be around.

546
00:43:26.159 --> 00:43:29.320
They'll remember if mom could laugh at herself. They'll remember

547
00:43:29.360 --> 00:43:33.960
if home felt joyful or stressful. Humor reminds us that

548
00:43:34.039 --> 00:43:37.920
life is temporary and precious, that we're figuring this out

549
00:43:37.960 --> 00:43:41.320
as we go, that nobody actually knows what they're doing,

550
00:43:42.159 --> 00:43:46.239
that perfection is not only impossible, but actually really boring.

551
00:43:47.039 --> 00:43:51.000
I think we take ourselves way too seriously. Sometimes we

552
00:43:51.039 --> 00:43:55.119
treat every parenting moment like it's a referendum on our

553
00:43:55.199 --> 00:43:59.880
worth as human beings, every mess like its evidence of

554
00:44:00.039 --> 00:44:05.000
our failure. But kids don't need perfect parents. They've never

555
00:44:05.079 --> 00:44:10.360
needed perfect parents. They need present parents, human parents, parents

556
00:44:10.400 --> 00:44:14.119
that can laugh at themselves, parents who can find joy

557
00:44:14.159 --> 00:44:17.440
in the middle of chaos. One of the best compliments

558
00:44:17.480 --> 00:44:20.719
I ever received was from my kids, who said, I

559
00:44:20.800 --> 00:44:23.800
love that our family is weird. We laugh at the

560
00:44:23.840 --> 00:44:27.800
wrong times and make jokes about everything, and nothing is

561
00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:31.679
too serious. My friends think you're cool because you're not

562
00:44:31.800 --> 00:44:37.400
uptight like their parents. That felt like success, Like maybe,

563
00:44:37.840 --> 00:44:42.320
despite all my failures and shortcomings and mistakes, I was

564
00:44:42.360 --> 00:44:47.159
getting something right. Humanity needs joy, not someday when everything

565
00:44:47.239 --> 00:44:50.599
is perfect, not when the house is clean, and the

566
00:44:50.679 --> 00:44:55.039
kids are well behaved, and life is under control today

567
00:44:56.000 --> 00:44:59.159
right now, in the middle of the mess, in the

568
00:44:59.159 --> 00:45:02.000
middle of the chaos us, in the middle of the

569
00:45:02.159 --> 00:45:07.039
absolutely imperfect reality of being alive. People ask me all

570
00:45:07.079 --> 00:45:11.159
the time, how do you love thirteen kids? Doesn't your

571
00:45:11.239 --> 00:45:18.159
love get divided, eluded, spread too thin? Don't you run

572
00:45:18.199 --> 00:45:24.280
out the answer? Love isn't a pie that gets smaller

573
00:45:24.440 --> 00:45:28.920
with every slice. It's a muscle that gets stronger with youth.

574
00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:33.280
The more you use it, the stronger it gets, and

575
00:45:33.360 --> 00:45:37.480
the more capable you become of loving, the more capacity

576
00:45:37.559 --> 00:45:41.079
you develop. I didn't have less love for my first

577
00:45:41.159 --> 00:45:45.719
child when my second child arrived, I didn't love any

578
00:45:45.760 --> 00:45:49.360
of them less. When the next one came, and the

579
00:45:49.400 --> 00:45:55.079
next one and the next one. My capacity expanded every

580
00:45:55.239 --> 00:45:59.639
single time in ways that shocked me. That's what people

581
00:45:59.639 --> 00:46:04.480
don't understand about human connection. We think we have limited reserves,

582
00:46:04.840 --> 00:46:09.559
like love is afiant resource will eventually deplete, like we'll

583
00:46:09.639 --> 00:46:12.719
run out of it if we give too much, like

584
00:46:12.800 --> 00:46:16.360
our hearts have a maximum capacity. That's what people don't

585
00:46:16.440 --> 00:46:21.000
understand about human connection. But love is the one resource

586
00:46:21.280 --> 00:46:26.320
that multiplies through use, the one that increases when you

587
00:46:26.360 --> 00:46:29.679
give it away. Think about it for a moment. When

588
00:46:29.679 --> 00:46:33.039
you love someone, does it make you less capable of

589
00:46:33.119 --> 00:46:36.880
loving someone else? When you show kindness to one person,

590
00:46:37.440 --> 00:46:39.960
does it train your ability to be kind to another?

591
00:46:41.159 --> 00:46:44.199
When you give your heart to someone, does it leave

592
00:46:44.239 --> 00:46:49.000
you with less heart to give? No, it actually makes

593
00:46:49.039 --> 00:46:54.119
you better at it, stronger, more capable, more fluent in

594
00:46:54.159 --> 00:46:57.239
the language of love. I watch this happen in my

595
00:46:57.280 --> 00:47:00.000
own heart. The more I loved my kids, the more

596
00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:03.199
the more I became capable of loving them. The more

597
00:47:03.239 --> 00:47:06.599
I practice patience with one, the easier it became to

598
00:47:06.679 --> 00:47:10.400
extend patience to another. The more I learned to see

599
00:47:10.480 --> 00:47:15.360
past behavior to heart with one child, the more naturally

600
00:47:15.400 --> 00:47:19.199
I could do it with the next. Love isn't diminished

601
00:47:19.480 --> 00:47:25.000
by division. It's strengthened by practice. It's expanded by giving.

602
00:47:25.679 --> 00:47:29.000
And here's the beautiful part. My kids learned this too.

603
00:47:29.639 --> 00:47:32.639
They didn't have a choice, really, they had to learn it.

604
00:47:33.239 --> 00:47:37.039
They learned that loving a new sibling doesn't mean abandoning

605
00:47:37.119 --> 00:47:42.280
the old one, that your heart expanding to include someone

606
00:47:42.639 --> 00:47:46.360
new doesn't mean there's less room for everyone else. They

607
00:47:46.440 --> 00:47:52.519
learned to love generously, openly, without hoarding affection. I watched

608
00:47:52.519 --> 00:47:56.800
them with each other. Now, these thirteen completely different people,

609
00:47:57.679 --> 00:48:00.920
and I see the way they've learned to love abundantly,

610
00:48:01.360 --> 00:48:04.639
the way my older kids love the younger ones, the

611
00:48:04.679 --> 00:48:08.400
way they protect each other, the way they show up

612
00:48:08.400 --> 00:48:13.960
for each other. Humanity thrives when love expands instead of competes.

613
00:48:14.880 --> 00:48:18.559
When we stop hoarding affection like it's going to run out,

614
00:48:19.400 --> 00:48:23.840
when we stop treating kindness like currency that we have

615
00:48:23.920 --> 00:48:28.119
to spend carefully, when we stop believing that loving others

616
00:48:28.159 --> 00:48:32.920
somehow diminishes what we have to get. The more you give,

617
00:48:33.920 --> 00:48:36.880
the more you have to give. That's not just a

618
00:48:36.960 --> 00:48:41.480
nice idea, it's the truth. It's how love actually works.

619
00:48:42.119 --> 00:48:45.440
Here's the biggest lesson of all, the one that changed

620
00:48:45.480 --> 00:48:49.800
how I see everyone. Adults are just older children. We

621
00:48:49.840 --> 00:48:53.840
don't actually grow up, not really. We just get taller,

622
00:48:54.679 --> 00:48:58.280
we learn to hide our emotions better, we develop more

623
00:48:58.559 --> 00:49:03.800
coping mechanisms. We use bigger words to describe the same fears,

624
00:49:04.599 --> 00:49:09.480
but inside we're still kids. I've watched my kids grow

625
00:49:09.559 --> 00:49:14.079
up from instants to toddlers, to teenagers to adults, and

626
00:49:14.119 --> 00:49:18.559
I've realized something humbling. The fears don't disappear, they just

627
00:49:18.599 --> 00:49:23.599
get quieter, more subtle, better hidden. We still want comfort

628
00:49:23.639 --> 00:49:29.119
when we're scared. We still fear rejection. We still crave approval.

629
00:49:29.840 --> 00:49:32.320
We still want someone to tell us we're doing okay

630
00:49:32.920 --> 00:49:36.480
and that we matter, that we're enough. The difference is

631
00:49:37.400 --> 00:49:40.599
we're expected to hide it better. We're supposed to have

632
00:49:40.679 --> 00:49:44.639
it together. We're supposed to be grown ups. My teenagers

633
00:49:44.639 --> 00:49:50.760
are navigating friendships, identity, purpose, belong and I'm still navigating

634
00:49:50.800 --> 00:49:57.159
the exact same thing at forty something, same struggles, same questions,

635
00:49:57.280 --> 00:50:01.159
just more wrinkles. They want to belong, so do I.

636
00:50:02.119 --> 00:50:05.440
They want to matter, so do I. They want to

637
00:50:05.480 --> 00:50:08.800
be loved for who they actually are, not who they

638
00:50:08.840 --> 00:50:12.519
pretend to be. So do I. They're afraid of being

639
00:50:12.559 --> 00:50:17.000
too much or not enough. Me too. When I've stopped

640
00:50:17.079 --> 00:50:21.239
seeing people as problems and started seeing them as kids

641
00:50:21.280 --> 00:50:26.960
who grew up, everything changed. That perspective shift changed how

642
00:50:27.000 --> 00:50:32.639
I see everyone. That difficult coworker who always complains still,

643
00:50:32.679 --> 00:50:36.599
the kid who learned that complaining gets attention. The distant

644
00:50:36.639 --> 00:50:40.440
family member who won't let anyone close still, the kid

645
00:50:40.440 --> 00:50:44.000
who got hurt and decided safety ment walls. The friend

646
00:50:44.000 --> 00:50:47.599
who pulls away whenever things get real still the kid

647
00:50:47.639 --> 00:50:52.239
who learned that vulnerability leads to pain, that person who

648
00:50:52.320 --> 00:50:58.239
overachieves compulsively, still the kid who learned that perfect means loved.

649
00:50:59.440 --> 00:51:02.679
We're all just walking around with younger versions of ourselves

650
00:51:02.719 --> 00:51:06.119
still living inside us. The child who was told they

651
00:51:06.119 --> 00:51:10.920
weren't good enough, the teenager who was mocked for being different,

652
00:51:11.960 --> 00:51:15.320
the young adult who had their heart broken, the kid

653
00:51:15.360 --> 00:51:20.119
who learned that love was conditional. Those versions don't disappear,

654
00:51:20.559 --> 00:51:23.920
They don't get erased when we turn eighteen or twenty

655
00:51:23.960 --> 00:51:28.719
one or forty. They stay with us. They shape us.

656
00:51:29.280 --> 00:51:35.760
They inform our reactions, our fears, our patterns. And when

657
00:51:35.760 --> 00:51:40.800
we remember that, when we approach people with the understanding

658
00:51:40.800 --> 00:51:46.119
that everyone is still healing from something, compassion becomes easier,

659
00:51:46.840 --> 00:51:52.719
Patience becomes possible, Grace becomes natural. I think about times

660
00:51:52.800 --> 00:51:57.880
I've been harsh with people, impatient, judgmental, quick to criticize,

661
00:51:58.400 --> 00:52:02.800
flow to understand, and I realize I was reacting to

662
00:52:02.840 --> 00:52:07.000
their behavior instead of understanding their story. I was seeing

663
00:52:07.000 --> 00:52:09.400
what they did instead of asking why they did it.

664
00:52:10.440 --> 00:52:15.800
Humanity makes sense when viewed through compassion. When we remember

665
00:52:15.920 --> 00:52:20.159
that everyone is fighting battles, we can't see caring stories

666
00:52:20.239 --> 00:52:24.280
we haven't heard, healing from wounds we don't know about.

667
00:52:25.280 --> 00:52:28.440
We're all just trying to survive, to be loved and

668
00:52:28.519 --> 00:52:32.119
to matter to someone, And maybe if we remember that

669
00:52:32.320 --> 00:52:36.519
more often, we'd be kinder to each other, more patient,

670
00:52:37.199 --> 00:52:42.760
more generous with grace, kinder to ourselves too, because we're

671
00:52:42.800 --> 00:52:48.719
also still healing, still growing, still figuring it out. Family

672
00:52:48.800 --> 00:52:53.000
isn't about getting it right. It's about staying, showing up again,

673
00:52:53.159 --> 00:52:59.639
forgiving again, trying again, choosing again, committing again. We've had

674
00:52:59.719 --> 00:53:05.280
sees inse long, difficult seasons where everything felt broken, where

675
00:53:05.320 --> 00:53:09.639
connection felt impossible, where I wondered if we'd ever feel

676
00:53:09.679 --> 00:53:13.400
close again as a family, if the damage was too deep,

677
00:53:14.280 --> 00:53:18.280
if we'd gone too far. Seasons where kids weren't speaking

678
00:53:18.320 --> 00:53:24.559
to each other, where sibling relationships felt irreparably damaged. Seasons

679
00:53:24.559 --> 00:53:27.599
where I wasn't sure my marriage would survive the stress.

680
00:53:28.559 --> 00:53:32.320
Seasons where I questioned every single decision I've ever made

681
00:53:32.360 --> 00:53:37.159
about how I raised these humans. But we stayed not

682
00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:41.480
because it was easy, never because it was easy, because

683
00:53:41.519 --> 00:53:46.400
it mattered, because these people mattered more than comfort, Because

684
00:53:46.519 --> 00:53:51.519
love means staying, even when leaving would be simpler. Commitment

685
00:53:51.639 --> 00:53:56.639
isn't glamorous, it's not instagram worthy, it's not always romantic

686
00:53:56.800 --> 00:54:02.599
or beautiful or inspiring. It's just staying when staying is hard,

687
00:54:03.480 --> 00:54:07.840
when staying feels impossible, when staying requires you to die

688
00:54:08.320 --> 00:54:12.320
to yourself daily. It's a decision you make over and

689
00:54:12.360 --> 00:54:17.920
over and over again, every single day, sometimes every single hour.

690
00:54:19.119 --> 00:54:23.519
It's choosing to love someone when they're completely unlovable, when

691
00:54:23.519 --> 00:54:27.800
they're pushing you away, when they're being their worst self.

692
00:54:28.440 --> 00:54:32.039
It's choosing to show up when you'd rather run, when

693
00:54:32.280 --> 00:54:36.800
escape means so much easier than engagement. It's choosing to

694
00:54:36.840 --> 00:54:39.960
believe in the relationship even when you can't see the

695
00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:43.760
way forward, even when you're not sure there is a

696
00:54:43.840 --> 00:54:48.440
way forward. I think about the culture narrative around relationships.

697
00:54:48.480 --> 00:54:54.199
The messages were consistently fed above love and commitment. We're

698
00:54:54.199 --> 00:54:57.800
told that if it's hard, it's wrong. If it doesn't

699
00:54:57.840 --> 00:55:03.159
feel good, leave happy, it must not be right. If

700
00:55:03.199 --> 00:55:07.880
it requires work, you're with the wrong person. But that's

701
00:55:07.960 --> 00:55:13.880
not love. That's infatuation. That's the beginning, that's the easy part.

702
00:55:14.280 --> 00:55:16.880
Real love is what happens when the easy part ends,

703
00:55:17.639 --> 00:55:22.119
when the feelings fade, when reality sets in when you

704
00:55:22.199 --> 00:55:26.079
see someone's worst and you stay anyway. My kids have

705
00:55:26.159 --> 00:55:30.280
taught me that family is built in the stain, in

706
00:55:30.360 --> 00:55:33.840
the difficult conversations we don't want to have, and the

707
00:55:33.920 --> 00:55:39.159
forgiveness after the hurt, and the building after the breaking,

708
00:55:40.119 --> 00:55:44.000
and showing up day after day after day, not in

709
00:55:44.039 --> 00:55:48.239
the highlights, not in the perfect family photos, not in

710
00:55:48.320 --> 00:55:51.559
the moments when everything feels good, in the moments when

711
00:55:51.599 --> 00:55:55.760
everything feels broken and we choose to stay anyway. Humanity

712
00:55:55.920 --> 00:56:00.559
doesn't need perfection, It doesn't need presence. It needs people

713
00:56:00.599 --> 00:56:03.880
who show up even when it's hard, who fight for

714
00:56:04.039 --> 00:56:08.599
relationships even when it's messy, who choose connection over comfort.

715
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:14.559
That's the work, that's the love, that's the legacy, Not

716
00:56:14.679 --> 00:56:19.119
a perfect family photo where everyone's smiling. A family that

717
00:56:19.280 --> 00:56:24.480
refuses to quit on each other, that stays, that fights,

718
00:56:25.159 --> 00:56:29.159
that chooses each other again and again. Thirteen kids didn't

719
00:56:29.199 --> 00:56:32.480
teach me how to manage people, or control chaos or

720
00:56:32.599 --> 00:56:38.519
run an efficient household. They taught me how to love people, messy,

721
00:56:39.559 --> 00:56:45.119
imperfect deeply. They taught me that humanity isn't something we achieve,

722
00:56:45.960 --> 00:56:51.239
it's something we practice every day, in small moments and

723
00:56:51.280 --> 00:56:56.119
big moments and moments that feel insignificant but turn out

724
00:56:56.199 --> 00:57:00.000
to matter most. They taught me that people aren't projects,

725
00:57:00.199 --> 00:57:05.480
to fix their hearts, to honor souls, to see stories,

726
00:57:05.480 --> 00:57:10.000
to witness, that love isn't about control, It's about connection.

727
00:57:10.880 --> 00:57:15.800
That grace changes more than rules ever could, that laughter

728
00:57:15.920 --> 00:57:21.039
heals more than lectures, That presence matters more than presents.

729
00:57:21.840 --> 00:57:27.280
That everyone everyone is fighting to be understood, to be seen,

730
00:57:27.920 --> 00:57:30.679
to matter. And if there's one thing I hope you

731
00:57:30.719 --> 00:57:35.920
take from this episode, it's everyone you meet is fighting

732
00:57:36.039 --> 00:57:41.559
to be understood. Everyone is carrying something heavy. Everyone is

733
00:57:41.679 --> 00:57:46.760
worthy of being seen, heard, and loved. Lead with grace,

734
00:57:47.559 --> 00:57:52.000
laugh often, love louder than you think you can show up,

735
00:57:52.320 --> 00:57:57.800
Stay present, Choose connection over perfection, Choose people over principles.

736
00:57:58.639 --> 00:58:03.000
Choose love over being right. From our family to yours.

737
00:58:03.480 --> 00:58:06.880
Thank you for being here, Thank you for listening to

738
00:58:07.000 --> 00:58:11.679
this imperfect woman talk about her imperfect life. Thank you

739
00:58:11.719 --> 00:58:14.880
for being part of this journey with us. This has

740
00:58:14.920 --> 00:58:17.960
been We are the Hansen. I'm Maya Hansen.