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Welcome back to We Are the hands Ins.
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I'm Maya Hansen, and today we're diving into a topic
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that every parent can relate to.
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What happens when our kids fight.
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With a house full of kids, disagreements are bound to happen.
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Today we'll share how we approach sibling conflicts in our home,
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what's worked for us, and the lessons we've learned along
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the way.
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Let's get into it. So picture this.
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It's a regular day in the hands In house and
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suddenly you hear raised voices, maybe even dreaded sound of
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something breaking.
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For us, it's not.
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If our kids will fight, it's when they will fight.
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With thirteen kids, it's easy for personalities to clash and
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misunderstandings can escalate pretty quickly. But instead of letting chaos
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take over, we've learned to tackle the fight's head on.
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It's not always easy.
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I'm going to tell you, especially with kids that are
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much bigger than their parents. Because most of our kids
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are much bigger than us. We always try to find
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the root of the problem first. We try to understand
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what the cause of the fight was, if it was
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a toy, personal space, a misunderstanding. Most of the time
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it's something small that just spiraled out of control. Most
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of the time, the boys fight over a basketball game
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that they were all playing together and it just gets
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out of control. One will blame the other one. It's
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always the blame game. A lot of times when you
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put a group of boys together, they get hot headed
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and they think they're better than their brother.
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And it causes problems. So that being said, getting.
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Both sides of the story is a crucial part, and
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trust me, it's not always easy when emotions are very high.
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One thing we do is to remind our kids that
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feelings are okay, but it's how we handle those feelings
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that matter, because you can say some pretty hurtful things
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when your head is ready to explode because you're mad.
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So we try to teach them that when they play
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a game, it's just a game. You can play a
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game even if you lose. It's still supposed to be fun.
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It's not meant to be a battle and a warzone.
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And I know so many times that our boys have
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went to play basketball at the court and have came
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home and they're just fighting as soon as they walk
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through that door because someone didn't block another kid and
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that kid made the basket and they got a point.
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It's not always okay for them to bicker and fight
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like that. I always tell them it's just a game,
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but they don't seem to understand that all the time,
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because they should have won and they didn't.
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The other team did.
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We have made it a priority to teach our kids
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how to resolve conflicts on their own. We encourage them
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to use their words, not their hands or feet. Sometimes
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it's a battle. I know many times that our kids
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have played football the boys, and they have gone to
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the football field and came back and one kid comes
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back with their shirt torn halfway off their body. I mean,
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boys are going to be boys. There is going to
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be conflict their siblings, but they don't need to get
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physical like that. And they have learned growing up that
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it's just not worth it because the next day you're sore.
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Your bodies are sore.
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Who wants to wake up to a sore body from
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fighting your brothers.
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I mean I wouldn't want to, but they're boys.
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Also, we try to remind them to speak without interrupting
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the other person. That is definitely hard because one kid
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will say this, and as he's telling his side of
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the story, the other one jumps in and tackles his story.
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You gotta let them talk.
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And then once they're finished, then the other kid can start.
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It doesn't resolve anything if you're just talking over each other.
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My boys are so hard headed that neither one of
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them can get their point across because they're both attacking
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each other's story. That's another thing. Offer a solution they
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think is fair. When I say that, I'm like, okay,
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we'll just say that you both made a mistake and
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that's why the other team won.
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It's not worth fighting over.
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But then, let me tell you, guys, as soon as
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they're done fighting, it takes about thirty minutes and they
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want to go back to the football field or to
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the basketball court. They are always picking on each other
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when it comes to a game if they lose, or oh,
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you could have done better at this, or you didn't
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block him, or it's always something I hear it. And
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my kids go play basketball a lot. We try to
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prevent future fights. We also have learned that preventing the
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fights is just as important as dealing with them. Clear boundaries,
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twenty one on one time and teaching respect for each
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other's differences go such a long way. Sometimes a little separation.
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Is all they need.
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And not always is that separation good either, because you
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can separate them and you can.
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Hear one yelling or rambling in one room.
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About how yeah he did this and blah blah blah,
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and the other one is mouthing back. Even though they're separated.
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They just need some time to cool down and reflect.
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We call it like a reset time instead of like
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a timeout. We just separate them into different rooms and
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let them cool down, let them reset and think about it.
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Of course, not every fight is a dramatic ordeal. Sometimes
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it's downright funny looking back because they're laughing because yeah,
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I tore your shirt off during this fight when we
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were at the football field, or I tripped you and
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you got scraped on the knee.
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We hear this stuff a lot.
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Some of the stuff that we hear we sit back
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and we're laughing about it, and even the boys will
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sit back, I can't believe I did that, you know.
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It's just something that they reflect back on.
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Now.
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The girls, on the other hand, not all the time
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do they fight. I guess torn and Anna because they're
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so close age, they fight the most torn and Maddie
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do sometimes get into it because Maddie likes to watch
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different things than the little girls, and so a lot
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of times Torn will pick at Maddie, like I get
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the remote tonight, or she'll go in and get the
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remote and hide it, and then Maddie's going in there
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to look for it and can't find it, and here
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Torn hit it. But when they fight, I just kick
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one kid out of the room. Whoever's causing the fight
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gets kicked out of that room and they have to
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stay out of that room for some time. It's almost
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like a time out for them. I don't want my
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kids to fight, but I know it's gonna happen because
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they're siblings, and siblings always fight. So moments like these
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remind us to keep a sense of humor and perspective.
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We all remind yourself that every fight is an opportunity
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to teach valuable life skills like one patience to compromise,
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and three empathy. I always make my kids apologize to
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one another because they are siblings. My phrase to my
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children when they fight is if they call a name,
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I look at them and say, if something ever happened
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to your sibling and you that was the last word
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you said to them, you would feel really sorry about
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saying that. And I say that because it makes the
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child think like, maybe I shouldn't have said that, Maybe
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I should have said something else, something not so hurtful.
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I want them to be close, but I also want
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them to know that we know as parents that there's
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gonna be bickering. There's going to be fighting. Even though
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we don't want them to, it's going to happen. I
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have always instilled in my kids that if you're out
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in public and you're fighting in front of kids that
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you play ball with that aren't related, it makes you
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look horrible. It makes you look like you're a bad person.
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You never want to fight in front of other people.
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One it makes you look bad. Two, you're showing them
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that it's okay to do that, and it's not. If
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you want to fight, go home and do it, don't
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sit and do it in a public place where others
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can watch. You don't want to be teaching other kids
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to fight their siblings or cousins or whatever it may be.
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You don't want to do that. I want them to.
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Be able to.
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Respect each other, Always respect the other person's feelings. You
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can put the blame on your sibling better than you
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can on somebody that's not related to you, because they're
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your sibling. They're close to you. For all we know,
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it might not have been your sibling's fault. It may
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have been the other team's fault, and you just took
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it out on your sibling.
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Here's a little story. Tristan and Gavin.
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Were close in age, so they fought a lot, and
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a lot of times it was physical. As they've gotten older,
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they don't really fight physically. It's just words. But my
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kids got into a fight and I remember hearing a
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thud and yelling, So me and Jeremy run into the
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bedroom to see what is happening, and Tristan had Gavin
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pinned down to the floor, just wailing on him. Of course,
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we yell at Tristan, that's your brother. You don't hit
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your brother. You guys are siblings, you're supposed to love
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each other. We asked Tristan and Gavin what they were
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fighting over, and of course it was a game. Gavin
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was saying some mean stuff to Tristan, so Tristan and
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him started going at it. And Tristan obviously is much
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bigger than Gavin. So Gavin got pinned to the floor
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and Tristan just was wailing on him. We don't want
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to see our kids hurting each other. It's bad enough
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that kids in school are mean and kids in public
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are mean.
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Why should you guys be mean to each other? Get along.
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I know there's gonna be fights, but there doesn't have
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to be physical fights. It's no point. It just does
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nothing but her feelings. I want my kids to be close,
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and as they've gotten older, they have been dramatically closer.
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Half the time.
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They're bickering and fighting with their mouth, and then they're
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all back together. They're all buddies again. Our kids love
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each other to the point where if somebody is picking
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on one of them, they're all jumping in to protect
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that one. I love that about my children. Maddie fighting
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with Morgan. Morgan really doesn't fight with Mattie anymore. They've
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really come closer. Maddie is kind of singled out because
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she is the middle child between Morgan, who is in
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her twenties, and the two little ones who are eight
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and seven. So Maddie doesn't really have a sibling to
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play with, and she doesn't have a lot of friends
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because her friends are not very nice friends. I've had
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to open Mattie's eyes to show her that your friends
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are not supposed to mistreat you like they do. Rub
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it in that they're hanging out together without you. A
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menagerie of things that they say to her, and it's
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to hurt her feelings, and those are not good friends.
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Your friends should not be trying to hurt your feelings
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out of spite. So needless to say, when our kids fight,
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we try to get them to sit down talk it out.
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We separate them so that they can cool down first,
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then sit down and talk it out. Usually when they
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talk it out, it's more of fighting it out because
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they're not physical, but they're argumentative, and then it takes time.
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But usually within thirty twenty thirty minutes they're back out playing,
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playing a different game or this, you know.
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Basketball, football, whatever.
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I try to instill in them that the game is
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always a problem. They don't fight like that if they're
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not involved in some type of game. They do fight
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when it's a football game when it's on TV, but
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they don't get physical with that or screaming matches or
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anything like that. They bicker big difference, but when they're
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playing a physical game, it gets heated. Most of the time.
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Gavin usually is the one that starts it. Tristan usually
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just runs his mouth and then you got Keenan and
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Tristan them too bicker like two little old ladies. It
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is the funniest thing watching them because they never get physical,
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but they always are bickering. It could be about the
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smallest little thing. And every one of our kids, well
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I can't say every one of them. Most of our
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children have nicknames, and usually when they bicker, they're throwing
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out the nickname.
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The little girls.
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Fight over barbies or dolls. Each one of them got
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their own barbies, each one of them have their own dolls.
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But Anna will go at Torren and snag Torren's doll
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and then she'll say, Torren, I'm playing with your doll,
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and then Torren is screaming at.
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Her, that's my doll. I had him first.
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That's when I jump in and I try and defuse
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the situation. Right then, eventually Anna will put that doll