Jan. 29, 2025
We Are The Hansons When Our Kids Fight At Home
In this episode of We Are The Hansons. we dive into the real challenges of sibling rivalry and how we manage fights at home. With so many kids under one roof, disagreements are bound to happen, but we've learned a few stragies to keep things from spirling out of control. From finding the balance between fairness and disciplne to teaching our kids conflict resoulution, we share how we handle the chaos and help our children grow stronger together. Join us for an honest conversation about what it's like when the kids fight, and how we keep the peace in our family.
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Welcome back to We Are the hands Ins.
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I'm Maya Hansen, and today we're diving into a topic
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that every parent can relate to.
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What happens when our kids fight.
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With a house full of kids, disagreements are bound to happen.
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Today we'll share how we approach sibling conflicts in our home,
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what's worked for us, and the lessons we've learned along
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the way.
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Let's get into it. So picture this.
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It's a regular day in the hands In house and
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suddenly you hear raised voices, maybe even dreaded sound of
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something breaking.
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For us, it's not.
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If our kids will fight, it's when they will fight.
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With thirteen kids, it's easy for personalities to clash and
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misunderstandings can escalate pretty quickly. But instead of letting chaos
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take over, we've learned to tackle the fight's head on.
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It's not always easy.
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I'm going to tell you, especially with kids that are
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much bigger than their parents. Because most of our kids
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are much bigger than us. We always try to find
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the root of the problem first. We try to understand
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what the cause of the fight was, if it was
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a toy, personal space, a misunderstanding. Most of the time
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it's something small that just spiraled out of control. Most
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of the time, the boys fight over a basketball game
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that they were all playing together and it just gets
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out of control. One will blame the other one. It's
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always the blame game. A lot of times when you
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put a group of boys together, they get hot headed
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and they think they're better than their brother.
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And it causes problems. So that being said, getting.
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Both sides of the story is a crucial part, and
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trust me, it's not always easy when emotions are very high.
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One thing we do is to remind our kids that
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feelings are okay, but it's how we handle those feelings
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that matter, because you can say some pretty hurtful things
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when your head is ready to explode because you're mad.
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So we try to teach them that when they play
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a game, it's just a game. You can play a
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game even if you lose. It's still supposed to be fun.
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It's not meant to be a battle and a warzone.
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And I know so many times that our boys have
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went to play basketball at the court and have came
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home and they're just fighting as soon as they walk
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through that door because someone didn't block another kid and
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that kid made the basket and they got a point.
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It's not always okay for them to bicker and fight
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like that. I always tell them it's just a game,
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but they don't seem to understand that all the time,
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because they should have won and they didn't.
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The other team did.
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We have made it a priority to teach our kids
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how to resolve conflicts on their own. We encourage them
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to use their words, not their hands or feet. Sometimes
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it's a battle. I know many times that our kids
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have played football the boys, and they have gone to
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the football field and came back and one kid comes
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back with their shirt torn halfway off their body. I mean,
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boys are going to be boys. There is going to
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be conflict their siblings, but they don't need to get
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physical like that. And they have learned growing up that
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it's just not worth it because the next day you're sore.
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Your bodies are sore.
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Who wants to wake up to a sore body from
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fighting your brothers.
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I mean I wouldn't want to, but they're boys.
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Also, we try to remind them to speak without interrupting
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the other person. That is definitely hard because one kid
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will say this, and as he's telling his side of
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the story, the other one jumps in and tackles his story.
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You gotta let them talk.
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And then once they're finished, then the other kid can start.
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It doesn't resolve anything if you're just talking over each other.
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My boys are so hard headed that neither one of
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them can get their point across because they're both attacking
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each other's story. That's another thing. Offer a solution they
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think is fair. When I say that, I'm like, okay,
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we'll just say that you both made a mistake and
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that's why the other team won.
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It's not worth fighting over.
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But then, let me tell you, guys, as soon as
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they're done fighting, it takes about thirty minutes and they
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want to go back to the football field or to
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the basketball court. They are always picking on each other
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when it comes to a game if they lose, or oh,
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you could have done better at this, or you didn't
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block him, or it's always something I hear it. And
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my kids go play basketball a lot. We try to
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prevent future fights. We also have learned that preventing the
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fights is just as important as dealing with them. Clear boundaries,
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twenty one on one time and teaching respect for each
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other's differences go such a long way. Sometimes a little separation.
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Is all they need.
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And not always is that separation good either, because you
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can separate them and you can.
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Hear one yelling or rambling in one room.
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About how yeah he did this and blah blah blah,
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and the other one is mouthing back. Even though they're separated.
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They just need some time to cool down and reflect.
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We call it like a reset time instead of like
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a timeout. We just separate them into different rooms and
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let them cool down, let them reset and think about it.
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Of course, not every fight is a dramatic ordeal. Sometimes
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it's downright funny looking back because they're laughing because yeah,
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I tore your shirt off during this fight when we
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were at the football field, or I tripped you and
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you got scraped on the knee.
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We hear this stuff a lot.
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Some of the stuff that we hear we sit back
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and we're laughing about it, and even the boys will
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sit back, I can't believe I did that, you know.
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It's just something that they reflect back on.
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Now.
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The girls, on the other hand, not all the time
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do they fight. I guess torn and Anna because they're
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so close age, they fight the most torn and Maddie
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do sometimes get into it because Maddie likes to watch
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different things than the little girls, and so a lot
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of times Torn will pick at Maddie, like I get
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the remote tonight, or she'll go in and get the
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remote and hide it, and then Maddie's going in there
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to look for it and can't find it, and here
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Torn hit it. But when they fight, I just kick
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one kid out of the room. Whoever's causing the fight
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gets kicked out of that room and they have to
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stay out of that room for some time. It's almost
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like a time out for them. I don't want my
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kids to fight, but I know it's gonna happen because
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they're siblings, and siblings always fight. So moments like these
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remind us to keep a sense of humor and perspective.
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We all remind yourself that every fight is an opportunity
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to teach valuable life skills like one patience to compromise,
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and three empathy. I always make my kids apologize to
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one another because they are siblings. My phrase to my
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children when they fight is if they call a name,
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I look at them and say, if something ever happened
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to your sibling and you that was the last word
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you said to them, you would feel really sorry about
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saying that. And I say that because it makes the
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child think like, maybe I shouldn't have said that, Maybe
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I should have said something else, something not so hurtful.
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I want them to be close, but I also want
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them to know that we know as parents that there's
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gonna be bickering. There's going to be fighting. Even though
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we don't want them to, it's going to happen. I
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have always instilled in my kids that if you're out
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in public and you're fighting in front of kids that
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you play ball with that aren't related, it makes you
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look horrible. It makes you look like you're a bad person.
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You never want to fight in front of other people.
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One it makes you look bad. Two, you're showing them
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that it's okay to do that, and it's not. If
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you want to fight, go home and do it, don't
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sit and do it in a public place where others
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can watch. You don't want to be teaching other kids
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to fight their siblings or cousins or whatever it may be.
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You don't want to do that. I want them to.
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Be able to.
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Respect each other, Always respect the other person's feelings. You
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can put the blame on your sibling better than you
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can on somebody that's not related to you, because they're
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your sibling. They're close to you. For all we know,
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it might not have been your sibling's fault. It may
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have been the other team's fault, and you just took
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it out on your sibling.
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Here's a little story. Tristan and Gavin.
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Were close in age, so they fought a lot, and
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a lot of times it was physical. As they've gotten older,
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they don't really fight physically. It's just words. But my
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kids got into a fight and I remember hearing a
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thud and yelling, So me and Jeremy run into the
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bedroom to see what is happening, and Tristan had Gavin
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pinned down to the floor, just wailing on him. Of course,
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we yell at Tristan, that's your brother. You don't hit
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your brother. You guys are siblings, you're supposed to love
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each other. We asked Tristan and Gavin what they were
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fighting over, and of course it was a game. Gavin
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was saying some mean stuff to Tristan, so Tristan and
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him started going at it. And Tristan obviously is much
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bigger than Gavin. So Gavin got pinned to the floor
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and Tristan just was wailing on him. We don't want
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to see our kids hurting each other. It's bad enough
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that kids in school are mean and kids in public
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are mean.
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Why should you guys be mean to each other? Get along.
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I know there's gonna be fights, but there doesn't have
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to be physical fights. It's no point. It just does
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nothing but her feelings. I want my kids to be close,
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and as they've gotten older, they have been dramatically closer.
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Half the time.
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They're bickering and fighting with their mouth, and then they're
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all back together. They're all buddies again. Our kids love
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each other to the point where if somebody is picking
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on one of them, they're all jumping in to protect
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that one. I love that about my children. Maddie fighting
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with Morgan. Morgan really doesn't fight with Mattie anymore. They've
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really come closer. Maddie is kind of singled out because
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she is the middle child between Morgan, who is in
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her twenties, and the two little ones who are eight
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and seven. So Maddie doesn't really have a sibling to
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play with, and she doesn't have a lot of friends
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because her friends are not very nice friends. I've had
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to open Mattie's eyes to show her that your friends
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are not supposed to mistreat you like they do. Rub
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it in that they're hanging out together without you. A
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menagerie of things that they say to her, and it's
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to hurt her feelings, and those are not good friends.
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Your friends should not be trying to hurt your feelings
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out of spite. So needless to say, when our kids fight,
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we try to get them to sit down talk it out.
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We separate them so that they can cool down first,
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then sit down and talk it out. Usually when they
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talk it out, it's more of fighting it out because
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they're not physical, but they're argumentative, and then it takes time.
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But usually within thirty twenty thirty minutes they're back out playing,
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playing a different game or this, you know.
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Basketball, football, whatever.
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I try to instill in them that the game is
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always a problem. They don't fight like that if they're
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not involved in some type of game. They do fight
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when it's a football game when it's on TV, but
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they don't get physical with that or screaming matches or
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anything like that. They bicker big difference, but when they're
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playing a physical game, it gets heated. Most of the time.
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Gavin usually is the one that starts it. Tristan usually
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just runs his mouth and then you got Keenan and
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Tristan them too bicker like two little old ladies. It
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is the funniest thing watching them because they never get physical,
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but they always are bickering. It could be about the
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smallest little thing. And every one of our kids, well
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I can't say every one of them. Most of our
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children have nicknames, and usually when they bicker, they're throwing
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out the nickname.
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The little girls.
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Fight over barbies or dolls. Each one of them got
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their own barbies, each one of them have their own dolls.
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But Anna will go at Torren and snag Torren's doll
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and then she'll say, Torren, I'm playing with your doll,
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and then Torren is screaming at.
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Her, that's my doll. I had him first.
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That's when I jump in and I try and defuse
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