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Welcome back to We Are the Hansens, where we talk
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about parenting, family and all the chaos and joy that
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comes with raising kids, especially in a big family like ours.
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Today we're diving into the topic every parent faces at
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some point when kids ask hard questions, and I mean
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the really hard ones, questions about death, God, why bad
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things happen, and everything in between. It's tough, right and
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you're trying to juggle the grocery list, laundry and making
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sure no one is jumping off the couch, and suddenly,
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out of nowhere, one of your kids dropped a bomb,
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like what happens when we die? I'll admit the first
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time this happened to me, I was not prepared at all.
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I remember one of my kids asking me why people
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have to die? I froze. I mean, how do you
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answer that in a way a child can understand? And honestly,
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how do you answer that for yourself? So today I
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want to talk about how we handle these moments in
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our family and share a few stories and tips that
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might help you too. First, let's start with why kids
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ask these questions. I think it's important to remember that
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kids are naturally curious, their minds are little sponges, and
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they're trying to make sense of very big, often confusing things.
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Sometimes they'll hear something on TV or at school, or
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even from their siblings. Other times it's because of a
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personal experience, like losing a pet or the death of
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a grandparent. In our family, we've had pets pass away,
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and we've had to also explain the loss of loved ones.
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I've found that kids aren't just asking for the facts.
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They're asking for reassurance. They want to know they're safe
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and they're loved, and that the world still makes sense
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even when scary and sad things happen. So how do
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you respond. I'll tell you how we handle it in
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our house, and then I'll give you a few general strategies.
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First of all, honesty is key, but in an age
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appropriate way. For younger kids, keep it simple. For example,
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when one of our dogs passed away, we explained that
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our dog wasn't in pain anymore and that he had
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lived a happy life. It was a hard conversation, but
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we did it. We also reassured them that it's okay
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to feel sad. For the older kids, we can have
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more in depth conversations with them. We'll talk about our beliefs,
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what we think happens after we die, and why. But
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we also let them ask questions and share their own thoughts,
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even if they're different from ours. Not everyone's thoughts are
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the same. One thing I've learned is not to rush
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to fill the silence. Sometimes just need a moment to
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process what you've said. I've made that mistake over explaining
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because I was nervous, But really they just need space
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to think. Sometimes it's hard. Here are some tips for
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parents when your kids come to you with these tough questions. One,
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stay calm, even if you feel caught off guard. Try
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to stay home. Kids pick up on our emotions. If
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you seemed panicked, they might feel that their question is
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something to be afraid of. Number two, keep it simple,
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especially for younger kids. Less is more, Use simple, concrete language,
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and avoid overloading them with too much information. That sometimes
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is very hard as a parent. Number three, validate their feelings.
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Let them know it's okay to feel sad, confused, or
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even scared. You might say something like, that's a really
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good question, and it's okay to feel this way. That
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happens a lot in our home. Number four, share your beliefs,
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but leave room for theirs. In our family, we talk
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about faith, but we also make it clear that it's
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okay to have questions or to not have all the answers.
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You know, sometimes we don't have all the answers. We
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don't know the whys or what ifs. I mean, be available.
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Sometimes these conversations don't end in sitting. You know, one
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sitting kids might come back days or even weeks later
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with more questions. Let them know they can always talk
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to you. You're always going to be there for them.
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Real life examples. Let me share a couple stories with you.
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You might want to grab a box of tissues because
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these two stories are very heartbreaking, especially to me. It
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was hard for me to pull this together, but I
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wanted to share it because I know kids are going
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to ask these hard questions. So my daughter Madison was
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in kindergarten and had a friend in her class who
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passed away due to a house fire. Madison asked me
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why her friend died and why bad things like that
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happened to her friend. And wow, that was a big one, right,
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I told her, I don't know why bad things happen Madison.
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Madison wanted to go to the funeral, so me and
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her dad decided maybe that would help with questions she has.
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I prepared Madison for the funeral. I explained to her
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what a funeral is in simple terms, emphasizing that it's
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a way to honor and say goodbye to someone we
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care about. I told Madison that she may see people
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crying a casket, earned urn and photos of her friend,
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that it's okay to feel sad. I told her everyone
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grieves differently and she can express her feelings in her
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own way. Madison asked why her friend had to die
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and asked me if she was going to die. That
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was tough on me. That crushed me. I didn't know
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how to respond. I honestly responded with just honesty. I
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told Madison her friend's body stopped working and they can't
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come back, but we can remember the happy times we
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had with her. I told Madison everyone will die someday,
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but most people live for a very long time. It's
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not something we have to be scared of right now.
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When I see Madison break down at the funeral, I
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knew it was time to leave. At that point, I said, Madison,
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let's give the flowers to the funeral director for her mother.
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As we were walking over to the funeral director, Madison
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dropped to the ground bawling. As I picked her up
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off the floor, I whispered in her ear, it's okay,
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and I hugged her and told her I loved her.
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I wanted her to feel I was there and I
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was caring. I wanted her to feel like she had somebody.
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After we left the funeral, I was lost for words.
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I wasn't really sure what to say. Then it hit me.
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I told Madison we would visit her final resting place
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so she could still feel connected to her friend. I
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didn't know how else to explain it to her. I
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wanted her to know that her friend was still there.
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Even though she wasn't there in person, she was there
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in spirit. I also reassured Madison that she could still
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talk to her friend, but her friend wouldn't talk back.
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You can talk to your loved ones all day long.
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You may never hear their voice again, but little signs
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you'll know they're there. Every holiday and birthday, I took
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Madison and we would go and get her friend a
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little something to put on her grave side. We would
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go to the grave and place it there, Madison would
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say what she had to say, and we'd hang out
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for a little while. She would do her thing, and
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sometimes she did ask questions while we were there, but
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not much. Most of the time she just would sit
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there looking at the grave, and I've caught her praying
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a couple of times. I could tell I helped Madison
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cope with the loss of her friend just by how
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she acted when we laughed. I'm not gonna lie. This
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was one of the hardest situations I've ever had to
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deal with. Watching It was even worse seeing your kid
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ball her eyes out at six years old because her
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friend passed away due to a house fire. It was horrible,
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all right. So the next story I want to tell
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you it's pretty similar, but with my son Tristan. When
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Tristan was in sixth grade, he had a friend who
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was such a bright light. The kid was just always happy,
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you know, very friendly. He didn't know a stranger put
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it that way. His friend was funny, kind, and someone
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Tristan generally admired. Then Blake was diagnosed with cancer. It
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was such a heavy concept for Tristan to grasp. At
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the time. He knew Blake was sick, but he wasn't sure,
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like until Blake passed away, that the weight of it
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truly hit him. When we got the news, Tristan was devastated.
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Tristan didn't really want to talk about it, which is
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pretty normal for kids his age. They kind of are
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pretty quiet about it. They don't like to show their
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feelings very much. And when he finally opened up, the
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question started pouring out. He just started questioning, why would
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God let this happen? Why Blake and not somebody else.
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These are big questions for a grown adult to wrestle with,
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let alone a twelve year old. It was hard. We
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tried to be Tristan's safe space, letting him be angry,
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letting him feel everything he needed to feel, but we
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also didn't have all the answers. I sent down with
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Tristan one night after we got the news, and I
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remember saying, it's okay to feel sad and confused. It's
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okay to not have all the answers. Even grow don't
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have all the answers. I could sit here and think
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of every funeral or every friend of mine that has
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passed or family member that has passed, and I question
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why it happens you know, why does this have to happen.
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It breaks people's hearts, It destroys families. It's a tough
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conversation to be had, just sitting here with him and
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trying to reassure him that everyone passes away. Everyone has
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their reasons the way they feel. It's just a very
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tough situation. And I wish I had more answers. I
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wish I knew all the answers, but unfortunately nobody knows
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all the answers. It tends to be a struggle. We
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want to trust and to focus on the love and
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joy Blake brought into the world and not just sadness
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of his passing. Because you always want to remember your
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friends who they were before they went. And when I
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say that is when I pass away. I hope my
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kids remember all the fun times and good things and
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little things about me, like my laugh. Granted they can't
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hear that ever again, I hope they remember that laugh.
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I hope they remember the funny times and the good
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times we had. And I wanted Tristan m. Madison both
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to feel that with their friends. We've never been to
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Blake's grave side, but when we went to his funeral,
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there was a lot of people there. The boy had
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really put a big impression on a lot of people.
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He had the biggest heart, the biggest smile. Even when
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he was sick. When I would see him at the school,
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he had no hair. You couldn't tell he was sick.
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Other than no hair, let's put it that way. He
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was a happy kid. It really breaks my heart, you know,
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because Blake went through a lot before he got sick.
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He had a brother that had committed suicide. Just to
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see him go through what he went through, it was crushing.
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It honestly crushed me. I don't know as a parent
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how I would handle that type of situation. You have
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had two kids pass away, It's got to be really
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hard on the family. I prayed a lot for Blake
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and Jordan's mom during both, you know, the bad times
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for them, because you know, she was left with no
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boys left. She has two little girls, her boys were gone.
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They were very well known in the school. Blake, he
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was just a bright star, and Jordan was a football player.
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I mean, these kids were very good at what they did.
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I wish I had a friend like that. When he asked,
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why does God let bad things happen? We didn't try
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to give him a textbook answer. We talked about sometimes
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bad things happen and we don't know why. We don't
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it's hard to understand, but you just when it's your time,
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it's your time. But we also talked about faith, hope,
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and finding meaning even in pain. For us, that meant
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believing Blake's life, no matter how short, he had a purpose.
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This experience has taught us a lot about grief and
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how children process it. With Tristan, we realized it wasn't
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just about helping him move on, it was about teaching
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him to live with the loss in a healthy way.
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We encouraged him to honor Blake's memory. Like I said
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at Blake's funeral, Tristan held it together pretty good. The
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last goodbye at the casket was the hardest. I could
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tell that. It was crushing Tristan. He didn't really break down,
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he had tears rolling down his face, and as a mom,
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I'm over there wiping his tears away, hugging him, reassuring
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him that it's okay. Looking back, I am so proud
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of how Tristan handled such a difficult time in his life.
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He's grown into someone who's compassionate and willing to sit
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with others in their pain, and I've experienced that with him.
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I've seen him in action. He is the best huggiver,
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the best kid to tear you up when you're down,
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because he can say some of the best things and
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it will put a smile on your face. I think
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part of that is because what he went through with Blake,
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and as a parent, we don't always have all the
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answers when tragedy strikes. But I've learned that what kids
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need most is your presence to be there for them,
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your honesty, and your willingness to walk through that pain
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with them. Just being by your kids and showing your
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support goes a long way when you have a situation
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like this. That's what we tried to give Madison and Tristan,
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and I hope it made a difference for them. To
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any parent listening, if your child is grappling with grief,
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my heart goes out to you. It's not easy to
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see your child in pain, but remember, when you don't
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have the answers, your love and support can make all
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the difference in the world to them. I know these