Dec. 30, 2024
We are the Hansons When Kids Ask Hard Questions
In this episode we'll dive into the raw and honest moments when our kids ask those tough, unexpected, and sometimes heart wrenching questions. From navigating curiosity about adoption, family dynamics, or their own idenitities, to addressing complex world ssues or personal struggles, we'll share how we approach these conversations with love, honesty, and grace.Join us as we reflect on how these moments have deepened our family bond, the values we want to pass on, and the importance of creating a safe space where no question is off limits. This episode is about hard questions kids ask.
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Welcome back to We Are the Hansens, where we talk
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about parenting, family and all the chaos and joy that
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comes with raising kids, especially in a big family like ours.
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Today we're diving into the topic every parent faces at
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some point when kids ask hard questions, and I mean
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the really hard ones, questions about death, God, why bad
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things happen, and everything in between. It's tough, right and
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you're trying to juggle the grocery list, laundry and making
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sure no one is jumping off the couch, and suddenly,
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out of nowhere, one of your kids dropped a bomb,
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like what happens when we die? I'll admit the first
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time this happened to me, I was not prepared at all.
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I remember one of my kids asking me why people
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have to die? I froze. I mean, how do you
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answer that in a way a child can understand? And honestly,
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how do you answer that for yourself? So today I
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want to talk about how we handle these moments in
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our family and share a few stories and tips that
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might help you too. First, let's start with why kids
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ask these questions. I think it's important to remember that
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kids are naturally curious, their minds are little sponges, and
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they're trying to make sense of very big, often confusing things.
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Sometimes they'll hear something on TV or at school, or
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even from their siblings. Other times it's because of a
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personal experience, like losing a pet or the death of
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a grandparent. In our family, we've had pets pass away,
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and we've had to also explain the loss of loved ones.
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I've found that kids aren't just asking for the facts.
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They're asking for reassurance. They want to know they're safe
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and they're loved, and that the world still makes sense
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even when scary and sad things happen. So how do
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you respond. I'll tell you how we handle it in
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our house, and then I'll give you a few general strategies.
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First of all, honesty is key, but in an age
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appropriate way. For younger kids, keep it simple. For example,
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when one of our dogs passed away, we explained that
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our dog wasn't in pain anymore and that he had
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lived a happy life. It was a hard conversation, but
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we did it. We also reassured them that it's okay
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to feel sad. For the older kids, we can have
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more in depth conversations with them. We'll talk about our beliefs,
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what we think happens after we die, and why. But
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we also let them ask questions and share their own thoughts,
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even if they're different from ours. Not everyone's thoughts are
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the same. One thing I've learned is not to rush
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to fill the silence. Sometimes just need a moment to
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process what you've said. I've made that mistake over explaining
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because I was nervous, But really they just need space
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to think. Sometimes it's hard. Here are some tips for
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parents when your kids come to you with these tough questions. One,
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stay calm, even if you feel caught off guard. Try
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to stay home. Kids pick up on our emotions. If
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you seemed panicked, they might feel that their question is
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something to be afraid of. Number two, keep it simple,
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especially for younger kids. Less is more, Use simple, concrete language,
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and avoid overloading them with too much information. That sometimes
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is very hard as a parent. Number three, validate their feelings.
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Let them know it's okay to feel sad, confused, or
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even scared. You might say something like, that's a really
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good question, and it's okay to feel this way. That
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happens a lot in our home. Number four, share your beliefs,
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but leave room for theirs. In our family, we talk
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about faith, but we also make it clear that it's
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okay to have questions or to not have all the answers.
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You know, sometimes we don't have all the answers. We
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don't know the whys or what ifs. I mean, be available.
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Sometimes these conversations don't end in sitting. You know, one
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sitting kids might come back days or even weeks later
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with more questions. Let them know they can always talk
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to you. You're always going to be there for them.
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Real life examples. Let me share a couple stories with you.
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You might want to grab a box of tissues because
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these two stories are very heartbreaking, especially to me. It
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was hard for me to pull this together, but I
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wanted to share it because I know kids are going
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to ask these hard questions. So my daughter Madison was
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in kindergarten and had a friend in her class who
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passed away due to a house fire. Madison asked me
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why her friend died and why bad things like that
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happened to her friend. And wow, that was a big one, right,
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I told her, I don't know why bad things happen Madison.
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Madison wanted to go to the funeral, so me and
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her dad decided maybe that would help with questions she has.
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I prepared Madison for the funeral. I explained to her
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what a funeral is in simple terms, emphasizing that it's
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a way to honor and say goodbye to someone we
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care about. I told Madison that she may see people
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crying a casket, earned urn and photos of her friend,
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that it's okay to feel sad. I told her everyone
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grieves differently and she can express her feelings in her
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own way. Madison asked why her friend had to die
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and asked me if she was going to die. That
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was tough on me. That crushed me. I didn't know
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how to respond. I honestly responded with just honesty. I
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told Madison her friend's body stopped working and they can't
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come back, but we can remember the happy times we
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had with her. I told Madison everyone will die someday,
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but most people live for a very long time. It's
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not something we have to be scared of right now.
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When I see Madison break down at the funeral, I
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knew it was time to leave. At that point, I said, Madison,
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let's give the flowers to the funeral director for her mother.
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As we were walking over to the funeral director, Madison
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dropped to the ground bawling. As I picked her up
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off the floor, I whispered in her ear, it's okay,
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and I hugged her and told her I loved her.
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I wanted her to feel I was there and I
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was caring. I wanted her to feel like she had somebody.
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After we left the funeral, I was lost for words.
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I wasn't really sure what to say. Then it hit me.
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I told Madison we would visit her final resting place
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so she could still feel connected to her friend. I
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didn't know how else to explain it to her. I
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wanted her to know that her friend was still there.
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Even though she wasn't there in person, she was there
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in spirit. I also reassured Madison that she could still
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talk to her friend, but her friend wouldn't talk back.
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You can talk to your loved ones all day long.
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You may never hear their voice again, but little signs
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you'll know they're there. Every holiday and birthday, I took
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Madison and we would go and get her friend a
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little something to put on her grave side. We would
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go to the grave and place it there, Madison would
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say what she had to say, and we'd hang out
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for a little while. She would do her thing, and
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sometimes she did ask questions while we were there, but
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not much. Most of the time she just would sit
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there looking at the grave, and I've caught her praying
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a couple of times. I could tell I helped Madison
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cope with the loss of her friend just by how
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she acted when we laughed. I'm not gonna lie. This
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was one of the hardest situations I've ever had to
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deal with. Watching It was even worse seeing your kid
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ball her eyes out at six years old because her
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friend passed away due to a house fire. It was horrible,
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all right. So the next story I want to tell
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you it's pretty similar, but with my son Tristan. When
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Tristan was in sixth grade, he had a friend who
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was such a bright light. The kid was just always happy,
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you know, very friendly. He didn't know a stranger put
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it that way. His friend was funny, kind, and someone
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Tristan generally admired. Then Blake was diagnosed with cancer. It
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was such a heavy concept for Tristan to grasp. At
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the time. He knew Blake was sick, but he wasn't sure,
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like until Blake passed away, that the weight of it
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truly hit him. When we got the news, Tristan was devastated.
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Tristan didn't really want to talk about it, which is
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pretty normal for kids his age. They kind of are
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pretty quiet about it. They don't like to show their
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feelings very much. And when he finally opened up, the
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question started pouring out. He just started questioning, why would
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God let this happen? Why Blake and not somebody else.
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These are big questions for a grown adult to wrestle with,
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let alone a twelve year old. It was hard. We
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tried to be Tristan's safe space, letting him be angry,
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letting him feel everything he needed to feel, but we
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also didn't have all the answers. I sent down with
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Tristan one night after we got the news, and I
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remember saying, it's okay to feel sad and confused. It's
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okay to not have all the answers. Even grow don't
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have all the answers. I could sit here and think
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of every funeral or every friend of mine that has
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passed or family member that has passed, and I question
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why it happens you know, why does this have to happen.
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It breaks people's hearts, It destroys families. It's a tough
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conversation to be had, just sitting here with him and
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trying to reassure him that everyone passes away. Everyone has
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their reasons the way they feel. It's just a very
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tough situation. And I wish I had more answers. I
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wish I knew all the answers, but unfortunately nobody knows
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all the answers. It tends to be a struggle. We
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want to trust and to focus on the love and
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joy Blake brought into the world and not just sadness
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of his passing. Because you always want to remember your
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friends who they were before they went. And when I
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say that is when I pass away. I hope my
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kids remember all the fun times and good things and
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little things about me, like my laugh. Granted they can't
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hear that ever again, I hope they remember that laugh.
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I hope they remember the funny times and the good
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times we had. And I wanted Tristan m. Madison both
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to feel that with their friends. We've never been to
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Blake's grave side, but when we went to his funeral,
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there was a lot of people there. The boy had
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really put a big impression on a lot of people.
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He had the biggest heart, the biggest smile. Even when
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he was sick. When I would see him at the school,
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he had no hair. You couldn't tell he was sick.
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Other than no hair, let's put it that way. He
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was a happy kid. It really breaks my heart, you know,
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because Blake went through a lot before he got sick.
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He had a brother that had committed suicide. Just to
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see him go through what he went through, it was crushing.
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It honestly crushed me. I don't know as a parent
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how I would handle that type of situation. You have
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had two kids pass away, It's got to be really
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hard on the family. I prayed a lot for Blake
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and Jordan's mom during both, you know, the bad times
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for them, because you know, she was left with no
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boys left. She has two little girls, her boys were gone.
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They were very well known in the school. Blake, he
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was just a bright star, and Jordan was a football player.
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I mean, these kids were very good at what they did.
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I wish I had a friend like that. When he asked,
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why does God let bad things happen? We didn't try
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to give him a textbook answer. We talked about sometimes
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bad things happen and we don't know why. We don't
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it's hard to understand, but you just when it's your time,
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it's your time. But we also talked about faith, hope,
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and finding meaning even in pain. For us, that meant
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believing Blake's life, no matter how short, he had a purpose.
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This experience has taught us a lot about grief and
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how children process it. With Tristan, we realized it wasn't
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just about helping him move on, it was about teaching
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him to live with the loss in a healthy way.
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We encouraged him to honor Blake's memory. Like I said
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at Blake's funeral, Tristan held it together pretty good. The
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last goodbye at the casket was the hardest. I could
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tell that. It was crushing Tristan. He didn't really break down,
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he had tears rolling down his face, and as a mom,
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I'm over there wiping his tears away, hugging him, reassuring
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him that it's okay. Looking back, I am so proud
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of how Tristan handled such a difficult time in his life.
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He's grown into someone who's compassionate and willing to sit
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with others in their pain, and I've experienced that with him.
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I've seen him in action. He is the best huggiver,
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the best kid to tear you up when you're down,
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because he can say some of the best things and
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it will put a smile on your face. I think
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part of that is because what he went through with Blake,
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and as a parent, we don't always have all the
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answers when tragedy strikes. But I've learned that what kids
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need most is your presence to be there for them,
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your honesty, and your willingness to walk through that pain
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with them. Just being by your kids and showing your
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support goes a long way when you have a situation
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like this. That's what we tried to give Madison and Tristan,
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and I hope it made a difference for them. To
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any parent listening, if your child is grappling with grief,
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my heart goes out to you. It's not easy to
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see your child in pain, but remember, when you don't
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have the answers, your love and support can make all
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