Oct. 14, 2025

We Are The Hansons Love Languages

We Are The Hansons Love Languages
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In this heartfelt episode of We Are the Hansons, we explore the five love languages and how they show up in our big, bustling family of thirteen kids. From words of affirmation and quality time to acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch—every family member gives and receives love in their own unique way. Join us as we laugh, share real moments, and discover how understanding love languages has strengthened our connection as a family.

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It was a Tuesday night. Dinner was on the table,

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well barely. We had thirteen kids at the time, ranging

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from toddlers to young adults, and honestly, getting everyone fed

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felt like conducting an orchestra where half the musicians had

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never seen sheet music. My husband had been working outside

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all day, fixing the fence, repairing the deck, and organizing

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the garage. He came in, exhausted, washed up, sat down

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and gave me this big smile, like I accomplished so

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much today, and I sat across from him, feeling empty, unseene, lonely,

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even though I was surrounded by people. After dinner, he

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went right back outside to finish what he'd started, and

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I just stood there at the sink, hands in soapy water,

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tears running down my face, thinking why doesn't he want

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to be with me. Later that night, he came in,

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saw I had been crying and was completely baffled. He

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was completely confused, what's wrong? I thought, you'd be happy.

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You've been asking me to fix the fence for weeks,

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and that's when I realized we were both showing love.

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We were both trying, but neither of us was feeling it.

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He thought fixing things was love. I thought sitting together

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was love. We were speaking completely different languages. That night

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changed everything for us. That night we discovered love languages,

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and honestly, it saved our marriage. It changed how we parent,

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It transformed our entire family dynamic. Imagine a home with

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laughter bouncing off the walls, little footsteps racing across the kitchen,

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teenage voices mixing with toddler giggles, and in the middle

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of all that chaos, a marriage that still needs attention.

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Love isn't just something we say, it's something we show.

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But how do you make sure love is heard when

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you've got thirteen kids, grandbabies, and a husband who speaks

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an entirely different love language than you. Today we are

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the Hansens. We are diving deep into the five love

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languages and how they play out in a very big,

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very real family, from moments of frustration to moments of

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pure joy, from toddler meltdowns to young adult conversations. I'll

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share the real life stories, the practical strategies, and the

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honest mistakes that show why understanding love languages might just

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be the secret to keeping your family together. So, whether

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you have one kid or ten, whether you're newly married

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or celebrating your fifteenth year anniversary. This conversation is for you.

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Let's talk about love. Welcome back to We are the Hansons.

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I'm your host, Maya Hanson, wife, mama to thirteen incredible kids,

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grandmother to our precious grandbabies, and on a mission to

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help families love each other well in the middle of real, messy,

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beautiful life. If you're new here, welcome to the chaos.

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Every week on this podcast, we talk about marriage, parenting,

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faith and all the things that come with doing family

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on purpose. We laugh, we cry, we get real about

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the hard stuff, and we celebrate the victories big and small.

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And today's episode, Oh friends, this is one I've been

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wanting to do for a while. We're talking about the

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five love languages, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts,

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quality time, and physical touch. But we're not just talking theory.

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We're getting practical, We're getting personal. We're talking about what

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happens when your husband's love language is different than yours.

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What happens when each of your kids, from your twenty

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one year old down to your toddlers need something different

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from you, how you navigate it When everyone's tank is

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empty and nobody has anything left to give. So grab

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your coffee, or, if you're like me today, your second

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or third cup. If you're folding laundry great, If you're

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driving carpool perfect. If you're hiding in the bathroom for

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five minutes of peace, I see you and I've been there.

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Let's jump in. Let's start at the beginning. If you've

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never heard of love languages, or if you heard them

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but never really dug into what they mean, let me

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break it down for you. Doctor Gary Chapman came up

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with the concept back in the nineteen nineties when he

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was doing marriage counseling. He noticed that couples kept saying

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the same thing, I don't feel loved. But when he

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talked to their spouses, the spouse would be confused, because

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we're showing love, they just weren't showing it in a

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way their partner could receive it. And that's when he

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identified five distinct love languages, five different ways people express

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and receive love.

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And here's the key.

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We all have a primary love language, and it's the

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way we most naturally give love and the way we

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most need to receive it. Now, before I walk through

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all five. I want you to think about this. What

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makes you feel most loved? Is it when someone tells

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you they appreciate you, when they help you with something,

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when they give you a gift, when they spend uninterrupted

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time with you, or when they hug you, hold your hand,

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show physical affection, whatever just came to mind first. That's

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probably your primary love language. And I bet if you're married,

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your spouse's answer would be different from yours. And that's

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where it gets interesting. All right, let's go through them

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one by one. Number one words of affirmation. This is

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all about verbal encouragement, compliments, appreciation. I love you, I'm

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proud of you, you did a great job, job, thank

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you for working so hard. For people with this love language,

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words have power. They remember what you say, both the

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good and the bad. They replay compliments in their mind,

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but they also replay criticism, insults, and harsh words. If

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this is your love language, you need to hear it

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thinking it isn't enough. Your spouse might think you're amazing,

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but if they never say it, your tank stays empty.

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And if someone speaks harshly to you, it cuts deep.

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Words wound you more than they would someone else. These

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are the people who save cards, who remember exactly what

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you said to them five years ago, whose face lights

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up when you tell them you're proud of them, and

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who will wilt when you're silent or critical.

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Number two.

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Acts of servant. Yes, this is the actions speak louder

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than words.

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Love language.

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Washing dishes without being asked, making dinner, running errands, fixing things,

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folding laundry, taking care of tasks. For acts of service people,

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love is spelled d o. If this is your love language,

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you feel loved when someone lightens the load, when they

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see something that needs to be done and they just

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do it without being asked, without complaining, without expecting praise.

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Now here's what's tricky about this one. Acts of service

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people often burn out because you're constantly doing for everyone else,

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thinking that's how they're showing love. But they feel resentful

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when no one returns the favor. They're exhausted, overwhelmed, and

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feeling unloved, even though they're surrounded by people who do

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love them.

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Those people just.

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Aren't speaking their language. If you're married to an AX

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of service person, the best gift you can give them

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isn't jewelry or flowers. It's doing the dishes without being asked.

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It's taking something off their to do list. It's lightening

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their load. Number three receiving gifts. Now, before you roll

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your eyes and think this one is shallow or materialistic,

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it's not. It's not about expensive things. It's about thoughtfulness.

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It's about the symbol, not the price. Take gifts people

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save everything, cards, letters, that rock their kid picked up

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for them on the playground, the random wild flowers your

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spouse grabbed on a walk. It's not about the money.

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It's about the fact that you are thinking about them,

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that you saw something and thought.

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They would love this.

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Forgive people a forgotten birthday or anniversary isn't just an oversight.

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It's devastating because.

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To them, remembering important dates and marketing them with something

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tangible is how love is shown. And here's what people

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often misunderstand. Give people aren't greedy or selfish. They're probably

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the most generous people you know. Because they're constantly thinking

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about others and buying little things for people. They assume

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everyone else does the same, and when others don't, they

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feel forgotten. Number four. This is about focused attention. No phones,

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no distractions, no TV on in the background, just being

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fully present with someone, eye contact, real conversation, undivided attention.

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For quality time people, it doesn't matter if you're in

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the same room all day, if you're not present, if

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you're distracted, if you're half listening while scrolling your phone,

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they don't feel loved. They feel alone even when you're

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right there. Quality time people need your attention. They need

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you to put down your phone, turn off the TV,

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stop multitasking, and just be with them.

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They want to.

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Talk, they want to go for walks, they want to

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sit together and really connect. And here's what's hard about

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this one. In our modern world, quality time is becoming.

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More and more rare.

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We're all so busy, so distracted, so plugged. In quality

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time people feel lonelier than ever, even in relationships, because

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no one is truly present anymore. If this is your

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love language, you're craving presence. You can have all the

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words of affirmation, all the gifts, and all the help

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with chores, but if the person won't actually sit with

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you and focus on you, you still feel unloved. Number five

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hugs hand holding, an arm around the shoulder, a kiss,

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hello and goodbye, Snuggling on the couch for physical touch,

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people appropriate physical connection is how they feel loved and secure. Now,

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let me be clear, this isn't just about romance or intimacy,

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though that's part of it. In marriage, physical touch people

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need appropriate physical connection throughout the day. A hug in

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the morning, holding hands in the car, sitting close on

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the couch, a pat on the back. For physical touch kids,

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this is huge. They need to be held, they need hugs,

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They need that physical reassurance that they're safe and loved.

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And here's what's hard. If you're not naturally a physical

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touch person, this can be very overwhelming. You might feel

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touched out, especially if you have young kids hanging on

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you all day. For for physical touch, people pulling away

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from them, flinching when they try to hug you. That

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doesn't just feel like a preference. It feels like rejection.

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The beautiful thing about physical touch is it's often the

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easiest language to speak because it takes almost no time.

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A five second hug, holding hands while you watch TV,

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A quick squeeze on the shoulder as you walk past,

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small deposits that fill the tank. So those are the

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five love languages. And here's the million dollar insight. We

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tend to give love in our language, but we need

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to receive it in our language, and that causes problems.

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Let me say that again, because this is so important

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in my love language. If my love language is quality time,

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I'm probably going to show love by spending time with people.

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I want to have long conversations, I want to do

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things together. But if your love language is acts of service,

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you might not even notice that I'm spending time with you.

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What you notice is whether or not I helped you

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with something, whether I lightened your load. So I'm over

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here trying to love you by giving you my time,

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and you're feeling unloved because I'm not doing anything for you,

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and you're over there trying to love me by doing

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tasks for me, and I'm feeling unloved because you won't

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just sit with me. We're both trying, we're both exhausted,

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we're both feeling unloved, and we're both confused about why

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our efforts aren't landing. And that is what was happening

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in my marriage for years, and it almost broke us.

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Let me tell you the full story of how this

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played out in my marriage, because I think when you

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hear it, you're going to recognize yourself or your spouse

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or both. My husband and I are complete opposites when

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it comes to love languages, complete, and for the first

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probably ten years of our marriage, we kept missing each other.

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We were like two people trying to.

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Have a conversation, but one of us is speaking English

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and the other is speaking Spanish. Lots of words, lots

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of effort, zero understanding. My primary love language is quality time.

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My secondary it's words of affirmation. I feel most loved

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when someone sits with me, looks me in the eyes,

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has a real conversation with me, ask me questions, listens

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to my answers, is fully present. My husband, his primary

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love language is acts of service. His secondary is physical touch.

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He feels loved when I take care of things, when

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I handle logistics, when I solve problems, when I take

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things off his plate, and when I'm physically affectionate with him.

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So picture this Saturday morning, the one day of the

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week we don't have a million things scheduled. I wake

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up thinking, oh good, we can sleep in a little,

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have coffee together on the porch, maybe take a walk,

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just be together. But he's already been up for an hour.

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I hear the lawnmower going I go outside, and he's

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mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, fixing the gate that's

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been squeaky for weeks. In his mind, he's showing me love.

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He's taking care of our home, he's checking things off

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my Honeydoo list, he's being a good husband. Meanwhile, I'm

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00:17:06.839 --> 00:17:11.559
standing there in my pajamas, coffee in hand, thinking, seriously,

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00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:16.960
it's Saturday, the one day, and you're out here working again.

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The lawn can wait, the gate can wait. Can't we

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come first.

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Just this once?

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00:17:24.039 --> 00:17:26.200
But I don't say that because I don't want to

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seem needy. I don't want to be the wife who

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00:17:29.400 --> 00:17:33.079
complains when her husband is working hard. So I just

242
00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:38.160
go back inside, feeling small and unimportant and alone. He'd

243
00:17:38.200 --> 00:17:42.680
come inside a couple hours later, sweaty and satisfied, and say,

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00:17:42.880 --> 00:17:44.039
got a lot done today.

245
00:17:44.400 --> 00:17:45.319
Yard looks great.

246
00:17:45.640 --> 00:17:48.720
Fix that gate you've been asking about, waiting for me

247
00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:53.319
to appreciate what he did, waiting for me to notice

248
00:17:53.640 --> 00:17:59.559
his love, And I'd say, that's great. Thanks. Is something wrong? No,

249
00:17:59.640 --> 00:18:04.119
it's fine. You seem upset. I'm not upset, then, what's wrong?

250
00:18:04.680 --> 00:18:07.680
Nothing's wrong? I just I was hoping we could spend

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00:18:07.720 --> 00:18:11.240
some time together. Today, we are spending time together. I've

252
00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:14.559
been here all morning, Yeah, but you've been outside working.

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00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:19.680
I meant together together. He'd look at me like I

254
00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:22.799
was speaking foreign. I was doing stuff you asked me

255
00:18:22.839 --> 00:18:25.559
to do for us, for our family.

256
00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:27.920
How is that not being together?

257
00:18:28.640 --> 00:18:31.880
Neither of us understanding why the other one wasn't getting

258
00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:35.000
it or flip it around. Let me tell you about

259
00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:39.279
the pot roast incident. I spent six hours, six hours

260
00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:43.559
making this elaborate dinner. It was his favorite meal, pot

261
00:18:43.640 --> 00:18:47.440
roast with all the fixings, homemade rolls from scratch. That

262
00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:51.000
dessert he loves that takes forever to make. I'm talking

263
00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:56.400
multiple dishes, multiple courses, and the whole works. In my mind,

264
00:18:56.799 --> 00:18:59.640
I'm thinking he's going to come home see all this

265
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:02.160
app and he's going to want to sit at that

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00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:07.200
table and just linger. We'll talk, we'll connect, we'll have

267
00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:12.559
that beautiful evening together. He comes home, walks in, smells food. Wow,

268
00:19:12.640 --> 00:19:17.680
this smells amazing, sits down, eats, enjoys it. This is

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00:19:17.720 --> 00:19:21.279
really great, babe, thanks so much. Then he gets up,

270
00:19:22.039 --> 00:19:24.880
kisses me on the head, and says, I'm going to

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00:19:24.920 --> 00:19:27.599
go work on that project in the garage while I've

272
00:19:27.640 --> 00:19:29.119
still got some daylight.

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00:19:28.920 --> 00:19:29.759
And he's gone.

274
00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:33.559
I'm standing there in the kitchen, surrounded by dishes, thinking,

275
00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:37.519
are you kidding me? I just spent six hours on

276
00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:40.359
this meal and you're going to eat it in fifteen

277
00:19:40.400 --> 00:19:44.200
minutes and leave. But what I really wanted wasn't even

278
00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:46.799
about the food. I didn't need him to praise the

279
00:19:46.839 --> 00:19:49.839
pot roast for an hour. What I wanted was for

280
00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:53.680
him to sit with me afterward, to linger at the table,

281
00:19:54.000 --> 00:19:57.920
to talk about his day, ask about mine, to connect.

282
00:19:58.359 --> 00:20:02.480
The meal was my excuse. My hope was connection, and

283
00:20:02.519 --> 00:20:06.759
he had no idea in his mind. He had appreciated

284
00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:10.200
the meal, he said thank you, he complimented it.

285
00:20:10.599 --> 00:20:11.680
What more did I want?

286
00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:15.920
But I didn't want words about the food. I wanted time.

287
00:20:16.279 --> 00:20:20.319
I wanted presents. I wanted him. We were both trying

288
00:20:20.440 --> 00:20:25.079
so hard, we were both exhausted, we were both feeling unloved,

289
00:20:25.720 --> 00:20:29.279
and we were both completely confused about why our efforts

290
00:20:29.319 --> 00:20:34.799
weren't landing. I'd think I'm cooking his favorite meals, I'm

291
00:20:34.880 --> 00:20:39.240
keeping the house clean, I'm managing everything with the kids.

292
00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:42.480
Why doesn't he want to be with me? He'd think

293
00:20:43.400 --> 00:20:47.559
I'm working constantly. I'm fixing things, I'm providing, I'm taking

294
00:20:47.599 --> 00:20:50.279
care of everything she asked me to do. Why is

295
00:20:50.359 --> 00:20:54.960
she always upset with me? The breakthrough Kane and I'll

296
00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:58.640
never forget this moment as long as I live. We

297
00:20:58.640 --> 00:21:01.599
were driving home. It was a about a two hour drive.

298
00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:04.640
The kids were with my parents for the weekend. We

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00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:07.759
were about thirty minutes into the drive. He was driving.

300
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:11.720
We both went quiet, and then we laughed. Not a

301
00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:16.079
funny laugh, one of those laughs that's actually almost crying,

302
00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:20.319
because something just made so much sense that you can't

303
00:21:20.319 --> 00:21:23.759
believe you didn't see it before. So he said slowly.

304
00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:26.960
When I fix things around the house, when I work

305
00:21:27.000 --> 00:21:31.400
on projects, when I maintain everything, you don't feel loved.

306
00:21:32.039 --> 00:21:35.720
I shook my head. I appreciate it, I said, carefully.

307
00:21:36.240 --> 00:21:36.599
I do.

308
00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:41.039
I'm grateful, but it doesn't fill my tank the way

309
00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:44.799
sitting and talking to me does, the way just being

310
00:21:44.920 --> 00:21:48.119
present with me does. He was quiet for a minute.

311
00:21:48.440 --> 00:21:52.039
And when you make these elaborate meals, when you do

312
00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:55.000
all the things for me, you're not doing it because

313
00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:58.880
acts of service is your love language. You're doing it

314
00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:03.559
hoping I'll sit with you afterward. Yes, I said, exactly.

315
00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:06.799
The meal is just my way of trying to create

316
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:10.799
space for us to connect. But then you eat and leave,

317
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:14.640
and I feel used, like you just wanted the food,

318
00:22:14.720 --> 00:22:18.680
not me. I had no idea, he said. I thought

319
00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:22.039
you loved cooking. I thought you were showing love by

320
00:22:22.039 --> 00:22:25.680
making my favorite foods. I was trying to show love

321
00:22:26.119 --> 00:22:29.759
by doing all the projects you mentioned needed to be done.

322
00:22:30.359 --> 00:22:33.880
And I thought you were avoiding me, I admitted. I

323
00:22:33.960 --> 00:22:35.480
thought you'd rather work.

324
00:22:35.519 --> 00:22:36.160
Than be with me.

325
00:22:36.920 --> 00:22:38.880
It was like someone turned on the lights in the

326
00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:42.480
room we'd been stumbling through in the dark for ten years.

327
00:22:42.720 --> 00:22:46.599
We weren't bad at loving each other. We weren't failing.

328
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:50.720
We were just speaking different languages. We were both fluent

329
00:22:50.759 --> 00:22:54.599
in our own language, but completely illiterate in the others.

330
00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:57.799
The next weeks and months they were in experiment. We

331
00:22:57.880 --> 00:23:01.640
started trying to speak each other's love language, even when

332
00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:04.960
it didn't come naturally, even when it felt awkward forced.

333
00:23:05.519 --> 00:23:09.680
I started noticing the things he did, really noticing, and

334
00:23:10.200 --> 00:23:14.799
I started thanking him specifically, not just thanks, but hey,

335
00:23:15.160 --> 00:23:17.720
I saw you fix the dryer this morning before you

336
00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:20.599
left for work. That was so thoughtful. Thank you for

337
00:23:20.680 --> 00:23:23.720
taking care of our family. That way. It helps me

338
00:23:23.799 --> 00:23:27.119
so much. And I could see it land I could

339
00:23:27.160 --> 00:23:32.640
see him stand taller, smile, feel seen because I was

340
00:23:32.720 --> 00:23:36.640
finally speaking his language. And he started protecting time for us,

341
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:41.759
even when he was exhausted, even when there was seventeen

342
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:45.519
things on the to do list, the lawn can wait.

343
00:23:45.640 --> 00:23:48.559
He'd say, let's go for a walk, or let me

344
00:23:48.640 --> 00:23:52.920
take you out for coffee this morning before the craziness starts,

345
00:23:53.440 --> 00:23:56.119
or after the kids go to bed. Let's just sit

346
00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:00.319
on the porch together, no phones, just us. Those fifteen

347
00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:04.599
twenty minutes sitting on the porch at night. That became

348
00:24:04.759 --> 00:24:08.599
sacred time. No phones, no TV in the background, no

349
00:24:08.759 --> 00:24:15.680
kids interrupting, just us talking, sometimes about deep stuff, sometimes

350
00:24:15.720 --> 00:24:20.799
about nothing, sometimes not even talking, just being together. For me,

351
00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:25.359
that filled my tank like nothing else. Those twenty minutes

352
00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:29.319
did more for our marriage than any expensive date night

353
00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:35.279
because it was exactly what I needed. Presence, focus, time,

354
00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:39.599
and for him, watching me notice his efforts, hearing me

355
00:24:39.799 --> 00:24:44.400
verbally appreciate the things he did, seeing me serve alongside

356
00:24:44.519 --> 00:24:48.640
him on projects that filled his tank. We started trading

357
00:24:49.119 --> 00:24:52.079
if you help me with this project for an hour,

358
00:24:52.480 --> 00:24:55.200
then we'll sit and have coffee together for an hour.

359
00:24:55.880 --> 00:24:59.160
If we can have a date night this week where

360
00:24:59.160 --> 00:25:02.240
we can just talk, I'll take care of that thing

361
00:25:02.400 --> 00:25:03.839
you've been asking me to do.

362
00:25:04.119 --> 00:25:04.279
Now.

363
00:25:04.279 --> 00:25:07.440
I'm not going to stand here and tell you it's perfect.

364
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:11.599
We just miss each other. Sometimes there are still weeks

365
00:25:12.039 --> 00:25:15.640
when we're in survival mode and we both feel disconnected.

366
00:25:16.119 --> 00:25:19.759
But now we have language for it. We can say, Hey,

367
00:25:20.079 --> 00:25:24.839
I'm feeling disconnected. My quality time tank is empty. Can

368
00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:27.960
we carve out some time this week? And he gets it.

369
00:25:28.240 --> 00:25:32.880
He doesn't get defensive, He understands. Or he'll say I'm

370
00:25:32.880 --> 00:25:36.200
feeling overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done.

371
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:39.640
Could you help me tackle some of this? And I

372
00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:45.160
know that helping him, serving alongside him, that's loving him well.

373
00:25:45.599 --> 00:25:49.680
In a large family, your marriage is the foundation. If

374
00:25:49.720 --> 00:25:53.960
mom and dad aren't connected, if there's distance or tension

375
00:25:54.039 --> 00:25:58.279
between you, the kids feel it, they sense it. The

376
00:25:58.319 --> 00:26:01.960
whole house has this heaviness to it. But when mom

377
00:26:02.000 --> 00:26:05.720
and dad are a team, when there's warmth and connection

378
00:26:05.880 --> 00:26:10.240
between you, even in the chaos, it sets the tone

379
00:26:10.279 --> 00:26:14.880
for the entire house. The kids feel safe, they feel secure,

380
00:26:15.519 --> 00:26:19.720
They see what love looks like. Love languages give us

381
00:26:19.720 --> 00:26:23.119
the tools to stay connected, to keep choosing each other

382
00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:27.400
in the middle of all the craziness, and honestly, it

383
00:26:27.519 --> 00:26:28.839
might have saved our marriage.

384
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:29.759
All right.

385
00:26:30.480 --> 00:26:33.960
So we've talked about marriage. Now let's talk about the kids.

386
00:26:34.599 --> 00:26:38.319
And let me tell you, thirteen kids means you've got

387
00:26:38.359 --> 00:26:42.119
a full spectrum, from the thirty year old all the

388
00:26:42.160 --> 00:26:45.240
way down my twenty one year old Morgan, all the

389
00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:50.720
way down to the younger ones. Each one different love languages,

390
00:26:51.119 --> 00:26:55.119
different needs, different ways of feeling loved. You cannot parent

391
00:26:55.160 --> 00:26:58.920
them all the same way and expect them all to

392
00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:02.599
feel loved. That's the biggest lesson I've learned, and honestly,

393
00:27:03.319 --> 00:27:07.119
it's the hardest one to implement, because it would be

394
00:27:07.240 --> 00:27:10.079
so much easier if I could just love them all

395
00:27:10.119 --> 00:27:12.680
the same way, if I could just do one thing

396
00:27:13.119 --> 00:27:17.119
and have it land with everyone. But that's not reality.

397
00:27:17.559 --> 00:27:19.759
Let me walk you through some of the kids and

398
00:27:19.799 --> 00:27:25.240
how we discovered their love languages. Because discovery is a process,

399
00:27:25.440 --> 00:27:29.039
you don't always know right away. Sometimes you have to watch,

400
00:27:29.480 --> 00:27:33.720
pay attention, notice patterns. I'm going to do Morgan twenty

401
00:27:33.720 --> 00:27:38.640
one years old. She's one of the oldest daughters, my firstborn,

402
00:27:39.279 --> 00:27:42.599
and as she's gotten older. As she's become an adult,

403
00:27:43.079 --> 00:27:47.440
I've realized her love language is quality time. Because here's

404
00:27:47.480 --> 00:27:50.160
the thing. Quality time with the twenty one year old

405
00:27:50.200 --> 00:27:52.680
looks completely different than.

406
00:27:52.599 --> 00:27:54.799
With an eight year old. She doesn't need me.

407
00:27:54.839 --> 00:27:58.839
To read picture books to her or play pretend anymore.

408
00:27:59.599 --> 00:28:01.319
She needs me to sit with her.

409
00:28:01.400 --> 00:28:05.359
Over coffee or really talk like about.

410
00:28:05.079 --> 00:28:10.640
Her dreams, her struggles, her relationships, her faith.

411
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:12.880
Her future, the deep stuff.

412
00:28:13.400 --> 00:28:16.519
And when life gets busy and I haven't had those

413
00:28:16.559 --> 00:28:20.079
deep conversations with her for a while, I can feel

414
00:28:20.079 --> 00:28:24.680
the distance growing. She pulls back, she gets quieter, becomes

415
00:28:24.759 --> 00:28:29.599
less available. Sometimes it's a phone call if she's away

416
00:28:29.640 --> 00:28:34.440
at school or work. Sometimes it's setting on her bed

417
00:28:35.200 --> 00:28:39.200
late at night, just talking until midnight. Sometimes it's running

418
00:28:39.279 --> 00:28:42.519
errands together, just the two of us in the car

419
00:28:42.799 --> 00:28:47.440
with music low and conversation flowing. But she needs that focused,

420
00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:52.440
undivided attention. That's when she feels seen, that's when she

421
00:28:52.480 --> 00:28:55.119
feels known, that's when she feels loved.

422
00:28:55.799 --> 00:28:56.960
And here's what I've learned.

423
00:28:57.440 --> 00:29:00.440
I have to protect that time with her, even when

424
00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:04.559
it's inconvenient, even when I'm tired, even when I have

425
00:29:04.720 --> 00:29:08.759
twelve other kids who need me, because if I don't

426
00:29:08.759 --> 00:29:12.279
prioritize it, if I let it slide for weeks at

427
00:29:12.279 --> 00:29:17.359
a time, I lose her, not permanently, but emotionally. The

428
00:29:17.480 --> 00:29:21.759
connection fades. But we have coffee dates, we have late

429
00:29:21.880 --> 00:29:26.640
night conversations. We protect that time together and our relationship

430
00:29:26.680 --> 00:29:27.880
is stronger because of it.

431
00:29:28.359 --> 00:29:29.160
Now, trust it.

432
00:29:29.480 --> 00:29:34.880
He's completely different, my second oldest, and his love language

433
00:29:35.119 --> 00:29:38.279
is words of affirmation. And let me tell you, I

434
00:29:38.279 --> 00:29:42.559
didn't realize how much he needed this until he was

435
00:29:42.599 --> 00:29:46.400
already a teenager. I missed it for years. He's quieter

436
00:29:46.519 --> 00:29:52.000
than Morgan, more reserved, more internal, and I realized he

437
00:29:52.119 --> 00:29:56.960
was constantly looking for validation, constantly asking did I do

438
00:29:57.039 --> 00:29:57.480
that right?

439
00:29:58.200 --> 00:30:01.039
Was that okay? Do you think I can do this?

440
00:30:01.079 --> 00:30:01.920
Is this good enough?

441
00:30:02.240 --> 00:30:06.359
And at first I'd say, yeah, you're fine and move

442
00:30:06.400 --> 00:30:09.279
on because I had twelve other kids needing me and

443
00:30:09.400 --> 00:30:12.920
dinner to make and laundry to fold, and I thought

444
00:30:13.480 --> 00:30:16.839
I was answering his question. But one day it hit

445
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:21.480
me like a ton of bricks. He wasn't asking because

446
00:30:21.480 --> 00:30:25.279
he didn't know the answer. He wasn't asking for information.

447
00:30:25.880 --> 00:30:28.680
He was asking because he needed to hear it from me.

448
00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:33.720
He needed the words he needed verbal affirmation that he

449
00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:36.400
was doing well, that I was proud of him, and

450
00:30:36.440 --> 00:30:40.119
that he was enough. So I started being more intentional.

451
00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:44.799
Instead of yeah, you're fine, i'd say, Tristan, I'm so

452
00:30:44.920 --> 00:30:48.039
proud of how hard you worked on that. I saw

453
00:30:48.079 --> 00:30:51.279
the effort you put in it and it really shows.

454
00:30:51.799 --> 00:30:55.680
Or you have such a servant's heart. I watched you

455
00:30:55.759 --> 00:30:59.480
help your little sister today without being asked, and it

456
00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:02.960
made my so full. Or I see the man you're becoming,

457
00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:05.039
and I'm amazed by your character.

458
00:31:05.759 --> 00:31:08.319
And you know what I discovered. He saves things.

459
00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:11.960
Cards I've written him, notes I've left on his pillow,

460
00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:15.319
text messages I've sent when he's having a hard day.

461
00:31:16.000 --> 00:31:19.920
He screenshots them, he keeps them, He goes back and

462
00:31:19.960 --> 00:31:24.079
rereads them when he's struggling, because for him, those words

463
00:31:24.079 --> 00:31:28.640
are tangible proof of love, that's evidence, that's something he

464
00:31:28.680 --> 00:31:31.519
can hold on to when doubt creeps in. Now, when

465
00:31:31.559 --> 00:31:34.920
I see him, when we talk, I make sure to

466
00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:38.559
speak life over him, to tell him specifically what I

467
00:31:38.640 --> 00:31:42.440
see in him. Not just good job, but I see

468
00:31:42.519 --> 00:31:46.799
your kindness, I see your patience, I see your strength.

469
00:31:47.400 --> 00:31:50.039
I see you, and I'm proud and I can see it.

470
00:31:50.240 --> 00:31:53.480
The way he stands taller, the way his face lights up,

471
00:31:53.880 --> 00:31:57.880
the way his shoulders relax. Words fill his tank, and

472
00:31:57.920 --> 00:32:02.279
when his tank is full, he's comped, secure and ready

473
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:04.759
to take on the world. My eighteen year old Gavin

474
00:32:05.240 --> 00:32:09.039
is my physical touch kit, and honestly the one that

475
00:32:09.079 --> 00:32:12.559
caught me off guard because I'm not naturally a super

476
00:32:12.599 --> 00:32:16.680
touchy person. I can go days without physical affection and

477
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:20.880
be fine, but Gavin, he withers without Itkevin needs hugs.

478
00:32:21.319 --> 00:32:24.160
He needs that fist bump or pat on the back.

479
00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:27.640
He needs a hand on his shoulder. He needs that

480
00:32:27.680 --> 00:32:31.599
physical connection to feel secure and loved. When he was little,

481
00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:35.200
he was always on my lap, always holding my hand,

482
00:32:35.799 --> 00:32:38.799
always wanting to be carried, even when he was way

483
00:32:38.839 --> 00:32:41.759
too big for it and my back was screaming. As

484
00:32:41.799 --> 00:32:45.799
a teenager, it looks different, but that need is still there.

485
00:32:46.160 --> 00:32:50.000
He's almost six foot tall, now towers over me, but

486
00:32:50.079 --> 00:32:53.559
he still needs that physical connection. He'll come sit next

487
00:32:53.599 --> 00:32:57.279
to me on the couch and just lean against me,

488
00:32:57.960 --> 00:33:00.400
wanting me to watch a movie. He'll give me a

489
00:33:00.440 --> 00:33:03.880
hug before he leaves. He'll bump my shoulder as he

490
00:33:03.960 --> 00:33:06.519
walks past me in the kitchen. He'll put his arm

491
00:33:06.559 --> 00:33:09.240
around me when we take family photos. And if I'm

492
00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:13.240
too busy, if I'm distracted, if I pull away too

493
00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:16.839
quickly because I've got something on the stove or baby

494
00:33:16.839 --> 00:33:20.240
crying or my hands are full, he feels it. His

495
00:33:20.359 --> 00:33:25.000
whole demeanor changes. He gets quieter, he pulls back, his

496
00:33:25.079 --> 00:33:28.599
face falls. So I've learned when he comes to me,

497
00:33:29.079 --> 00:33:31.720
I stop what I'm doing. I turn towards him. I

498
00:33:31.799 --> 00:33:35.319
hug him fully, not a quick side hug while I'm

499
00:33:35.359 --> 00:33:38.839
doing something else, but a real, full hug. I don't

500
00:33:38.920 --> 00:33:41.640
rush it. I don't let him decide when to let go.

501
00:33:41.839 --> 00:33:45.440
I give him that physical affirmation that says I'm here,

502
00:33:45.720 --> 00:33:49.400
you're safe, you're loved, you matter. And it only takes

503
00:33:49.440 --> 00:33:54.079
five seconds, but those five seconds fill his tank in

504
00:33:54.119 --> 00:33:57.599
a way that words and gifts or any other language

505
00:33:57.640 --> 00:34:03.960
never could. Now. My middle kids, Maddie at fourteen, Torn

506
00:34:04.119 --> 00:34:08.480
at nine, and Annline at eight, they're this beautiful, chaotic

507
00:34:08.599 --> 00:34:13.039
mix of all the love languages. And honestly, this is

508
00:34:13.039 --> 00:34:17.840
where it gets really challenging, because they all need something different,

509
00:34:18.400 --> 00:34:20.960
and they all need it at the same time. Maddie,

510
00:34:21.239 --> 00:34:25.239
my fourteen year old daughter, acts of service. She feels

511
00:34:25.280 --> 00:34:28.320
loved when I make her lunch a certain way, when

512
00:34:28.360 --> 00:34:32.119
I make sure her favorite snacks are stocked, when I

513
00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:35.079
help her organize her room, when I drive her and

514
00:34:35.119 --> 00:34:38.320
her friends somewhere, when I do something that makes her

515
00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:41.840
life easier. Now here's what's tricky. She's at the age

516
00:34:41.960 --> 00:34:46.800
where she can do most of these things herself. She's capable,

517
00:34:46.840 --> 00:34:49.679
and sometimes I catch myself thinking, she's old enough to

518
00:34:49.719 --> 00:34:52.760
make her own stuff, she's old enough to keep track

519
00:34:52.840 --> 00:34:56.239
of her own things, and she is when I do

520
00:34:56.280 --> 00:34:59.559
it for her. When I serve her in these tangible ways,

521
00:35:00.639 --> 00:35:04.159
she feels loved, She feels cared for, she feels like

522
00:35:04.400 --> 00:35:08.199
she matters. So I do it not every day, not

523
00:35:08.320 --> 00:35:13.719
for everything, but regularly enough that she knows I see her,

524
00:35:14.760 --> 00:35:19.679
I'm thinking about her. I'm willing to lighten her load. Torren,

525
00:35:20.199 --> 00:35:25.039
my nine year old daughter. Gifts, not expensive things, but

526
00:35:25.159 --> 00:35:28.840
thoughtful things. A candy I picked up at the store

527
00:35:29.000 --> 00:35:32.519
because I thought of her. A book about her favorite

528
00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:37.039
princesses because I know she's obsessed with them, A special

529
00:35:37.199 --> 00:35:41.760
treat for her lunch, A small toy from the dollar store.

530
00:35:42.280 --> 00:35:45.559
It's not about the money or the size of the gift.

531
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:48.559
It's about the fact that I was thinking about her

532
00:35:48.800 --> 00:35:51.559
when she wasn't even there, that I saw something and

533
00:35:51.599 --> 00:35:55.599
thought about her. Torren would love this. She saves everything

534
00:35:55.920 --> 00:35:58.519
I give her. She has a special box in her

535
00:35:58.599 --> 00:36:02.239
room where she keeps every little thing, and when she's

536
00:36:02.280 --> 00:36:06.199
having a hard day, she'll go through that box and

537
00:36:06.280 --> 00:36:11.920
remember she's loved. Anlin, my eight year old daughter. Quality time.

538
00:36:12.800 --> 00:36:16.239
She wants me to play board games with her, to

539
00:36:16.320 --> 00:36:20.599
have tea parties, to sit in color together, to read

540
00:36:20.639 --> 00:36:23.679
books where we can sit right next to each other

541
00:36:23.719 --> 00:36:28.119
and read, to bake cookies together, or she helps me

542
00:36:28.199 --> 00:36:32.000
make a huge mess. But we're together. And here's the thing.

543
00:36:32.519 --> 00:36:36.559
Quality time with an eight year old is exhausting because

544
00:36:36.559 --> 00:36:41.360
it's not deep conversation like with Morgan. It's playing Candyland

545
00:36:41.719 --> 00:36:45.760
for the fifteenth time. It's having a tea party with

546
00:36:45.880 --> 00:36:48.760
stuffed animals where I have to do all the voices.

547
00:36:49.559 --> 00:36:55.159
It's slower, it's repetitive. It requires me to enter her world.

548
00:36:55.760 --> 00:36:56.760
But I do it.

549
00:36:56.960 --> 00:37:00.079
Because I know that's her language. And when I I

550
00:37:00.199 --> 00:37:06.719
constantly give her that time, she's secure, she's confident, she's happy. Well,

551
00:37:06.719 --> 00:37:10.039
when I'm too busy, when I keep saying not now,

552
00:37:10.480 --> 00:37:14.840
or maybe later, or mommy's busy, she starts acting out,

553
00:37:15.280 --> 00:37:20.440
gets whiny, clings more because her tank is empty. So

554
00:37:20.599 --> 00:37:24.159
some days I feel like I'm a juggling three completely

555
00:37:24.199 --> 00:37:28.719
different languages at once because I am I'm making Maddie

556
00:37:28.760 --> 00:37:32.480
a lunch while finding a special treat for torn while

557
00:37:32.519 --> 00:37:36.599
scheduling twenty minutes to play with Anulin, And I can't

558
00:37:36.599 --> 00:37:42.000
always get it right. Some days, somebody's tank is going

559
00:37:42.039 --> 00:37:45.559
to be emptier than the other. That's just reality. But

560
00:37:45.639 --> 00:37:50.760
here's what I've learned. It's not about perfection. It's about awareness.

561
00:37:51.400 --> 00:37:55.719
It's about trying. It's about paying attention to what makes

562
00:37:55.760 --> 00:38:00.320
each kid light up, what makes them feel seen. And

563
00:38:00.360 --> 00:38:06.239
when I speak their language, even imperfectly, even inconsistently, they

564
00:38:06.280 --> 00:38:09.920
know they're loved, and that's what matters. Now, let's talk

565
00:38:09.920 --> 00:38:13.679
about the little ones, my youngest kids You've got. But

566
00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:19.719
I'm watching for patterns, paying attention to what fills them

567
00:38:19.800 --> 00:38:23.960
up most, what calms them down fastest when they're upset,

568
00:38:24.599 --> 00:38:28.760
what makes them light up brightest, And it's okay. And

569
00:38:28.800 --> 00:38:32.920
then there's the grandbabies. Being a grandmother has added a

570
00:38:33.000 --> 00:38:38.719
whole new dimension to understanding love languages. It's like coming

571
00:38:38.719 --> 00:38:40.800
full circle because I get to.

572
00:38:40.719 --> 00:38:43.280
Love on these babies, but I.

573
00:38:43.239 --> 00:38:46.400
Also get to watch my adult kids figure out their

574
00:38:46.400 --> 00:38:50.239
own children's love languages. I get to coach them through it.

575
00:38:50.760 --> 00:38:54.039
I get to share what I've learned. I get to

576
00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:59.239
watch them have their own breakthroughs. And watching them become

577
00:38:59.519 --> 00:39:05.639
a mother, watching her learn her child's language, it's like

578
00:39:05.880 --> 00:39:10.960
watching everything I taught her become life. My daughter Kenna

579
00:39:11.000 --> 00:39:15.480
and her little ones. She's discovering that her baby seems

580
00:39:15.519 --> 00:39:20.559
to calm most with physical touch and gentle words. She's

581
00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:24.880
learning to slow down, to rock her, to speak softly,

582
00:39:25.239 --> 00:39:29.599
to sing lallabies, and watching her become a mother, watching

583
00:39:29.639 --> 00:39:34.360
her learn her children's language, it's like watching everything I

584
00:39:34.440 --> 00:39:38.119
taught her come to life. All those years of learning

585
00:39:38.239 --> 00:39:43.920
her language. Now she's learning her baby's language. It's beautiful,

586
00:39:44.760 --> 00:39:48.880
it's redemptive, it's legacy, and I get to tell her

587
00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:54.159
things like, you're doing amazing, Trust your instinct, pay attention

588
00:39:54.239 --> 00:39:57.639
to what calms her, Notice what makes her light up.

589
00:39:58.800 --> 00:40:03.000
You're learning her language, and you're doing it well because

590
00:40:03.000 --> 00:40:06.760
that's what she needs to hear. Because her love language

591
00:40:06.920 --> 00:40:10.960
is quality time and words of affirmation. So even as

592
00:40:11.000 --> 00:40:15.599
I help her learn her kids's language, I'm speaking hers.

593
00:40:15.880 --> 00:40:19.519
Here's what I tell new moms, whether it's my daughters

594
00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:25.880
or friends or listeners who are in those early baby days,

595
00:40:26.440 --> 00:40:28.360
You don't have to figure it all out on your

596
00:40:28.400 --> 00:40:32.880
own on day one. Love languages with babies start simple.

597
00:40:33.119 --> 00:40:37.480
Hold them, talk to them, meet their needs. Be present.

598
00:40:38.039 --> 00:40:41.280
That's it. That's the whole job. In those early days.

599
00:40:41.840 --> 00:40:46.519
As they grow, you watch, you pay attention, You notice

600
00:40:46.599 --> 00:40:51.199
what suits them, what excites them, what makes them feel secure,

601
00:40:51.840 --> 00:40:56.760
and you do your best. You try, you experiment, you learn,

602
00:40:56.920 --> 00:40:59.639
and that's all any of us can do. There's no

603
00:40:59.679 --> 00:41:05.480
perfect formula, there's no exact science. There is intention, there

604
00:41:05.559 --> 00:41:09.039
is love in action. Okay, so by now you might

605
00:41:09.079 --> 00:41:12.559
be thinking this is great, Maya, But how how do

606
00:41:12.639 --> 00:41:16.719
I actually do this in real life? I've got multiple kids,

607
00:41:16.960 --> 00:41:22.239
a husband, maybe, aging parents, maybe grandkids. How do I

608
00:41:22.280 --> 00:41:27.320
speak everyone's love language without completely losing my mind? Let

609
00:41:27.320 --> 00:41:30.960
me give you some practical strategies that have actually worked

610
00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:38.239
for our family, Real tested, proven strategies. Not theory, not ideals,

611
00:41:38.800 --> 00:41:41.960
but actual things we do. I'm serious. Write it down,

612
00:41:42.559 --> 00:41:45.440
get it out of your head and onto paper or

613
00:41:45.639 --> 00:41:48.880
your phone. I have a list on my phone and

614
00:41:48.960 --> 00:41:52.320
a copy tape to my bathroom mirror of each family

615
00:41:52.400 --> 00:41:56.519
member and their primary love language. Mine looks like this

616
00:41:57.280 --> 00:42:02.559
Husband acts of service, more in quality time, Tristan words

617
00:42:02.559 --> 00:42:07.599
of affirmation, Gavin, physical touch, Maddy, acts of service, Torn

618
00:42:07.679 --> 00:42:13.519
Gifts and equality time, Kenna words of affirmation, and so

619
00:42:13.719 --> 00:42:16.960
on down the line. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, when I'm

620
00:42:16.960 --> 00:42:20.519
in survival mode, when i feel like I'm failing everyone,

621
00:42:21.119 --> 00:42:24.480
I look at that list. It reminds me. It helps

622
00:42:24.559 --> 00:42:28.880
me prioritize, It helps me focus. Because here's the thing.

623
00:42:29.639 --> 00:42:32.760
You can't do everything for everyone every day, but you

624
00:42:32.840 --> 00:42:36.480
can make sure you're hitting everyone's language at least a

625
00:42:36.559 --> 00:42:41.760
few times a week, at least somewhat consistently. You can't

626
00:42:41.760 --> 00:42:45.960
have deep quality time with every kid every day. You can't,

627
00:42:46.599 --> 00:42:52.000
that's not realistic. But you can create small, consistent rituals

628
00:42:52.079 --> 00:42:56.360
that speak their language. For my quality time kids, we

629
00:42:56.440 --> 00:43:00.079
have a bedtime routine five to ten minutes with just

630
00:43:00.320 --> 00:43:04.920
us sitting on their bed, talking about their day, listening

631
00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:09.599
to what's on their hearts. No phones, no distractions, no rushing,

632
00:43:10.440 --> 00:43:15.599
just presence. Is it long? No? Is it every night? Sometimes?

633
00:43:15.639 --> 00:43:19.000
We miss, but it's consistent enough that they can count

634
00:43:19.039 --> 00:43:22.800
on it. They know that time is theirs. For my

635
00:43:22.880 --> 00:43:26.800
words of affirmation kids, I leave notes in their bags,

636
00:43:27.599 --> 00:43:30.960
text them during the day, I'm proud of you, thinking

637
00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:36.239
about you. You've got this specific encouragement At dinner, I

638
00:43:36.360 --> 00:43:40.440
noticed you helped your sister today without being asked. That

639
00:43:40.599 --> 00:43:44.519
was really kind. It takes thirty seconds, but it fills

640
00:43:44.519 --> 00:43:48.719
their tank. For the physical touch kids, I make sure

641
00:43:48.760 --> 00:43:52.119
to hug them, not every single day, but most days,

642
00:43:52.440 --> 00:43:57.440
non negotiable, even if we're running late, even if they're

643
00:43:57.480 --> 00:44:01.599
being grumpy. Five second hug in the morning, five second

644
00:44:01.639 --> 00:44:05.360
hog at night. That's ten seconds a day, but it's

645
00:44:05.360 --> 00:44:09.920
for them. It's everything. For my access service kids, I

646
00:44:10.039 --> 00:44:13.440
do one specific thing for them each day. Make sure

647
00:44:13.480 --> 00:44:17.079
they get their favorite snack, lay out their clothes so

648
00:44:17.119 --> 00:44:21.000
they don't have to think about it, fix something that's broken,

649
00:44:21.639 --> 00:44:26.440
help with the chore they're dreading again, small, consistent, intentional.

650
00:44:27.079 --> 00:44:30.360
For my gift kids, I keep austash of small things

651
00:44:30.440 --> 00:44:36.599
in my closet, dollar store treasures, their favorite candy, stickers,

652
00:44:36.800 --> 00:44:41.440
small toys, little surprises. Once a week or so, I'll

653
00:44:41.440 --> 00:44:45.199
slip something into their room or sit it on their desk,

654
00:44:45.400 --> 00:44:48.079
a tiny gift that says I was thinking about you.

655
00:44:48.519 --> 00:44:52.559
Small consistent deposits in their love tank. That's the key.

656
00:44:52.920 --> 00:44:55.719
You're not trying to fill their tank completely every day.

657
00:44:56.239 --> 00:44:59.440
You're just making regular deposits so it doesn't run empty.

658
00:45:00.039 --> 00:45:03.639
Think of it like a bank account. Small deposits add

659
00:45:03.679 --> 00:45:07.599
up over time. Miss a day, okay, miss a week,

660
00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:11.559
you'll notice a balance getting low. But as long as

661
00:45:11.639 --> 00:45:16.599
you're making consistent deposits, the account stays healthy. Once your

662
00:45:16.639 --> 00:45:21.360
kids are old enough, probably around seven or eight, teach

663
00:45:21.400 --> 00:45:25.559
them about love languages. Talk about it as a family,

664
00:45:26.159 --> 00:45:31.400
make it a dinner conversation. This does two really important things. First,

665
00:45:31.400 --> 00:45:35.719
it helps them understand themselves. They start to recognize, oh,

666
00:45:35.880 --> 00:45:38.840
that's why I get so upset when people don't thank me.

667
00:45:39.400 --> 00:45:42.920
Words really matter to me. Or that's why I love

668
00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:46.559
when mom helps me with things. It makes me feel

669
00:45:46.639 --> 00:45:51.960
cared for. They can start to articulate their needs. Mom,

670
00:45:52.000 --> 00:45:56.159
I'm feeling disconnected. Can we have some quality time this weekend?

671
00:45:56.800 --> 00:46:00.840
Instead of just acting out getting grumpy. They can use

672
00:46:00.880 --> 00:46:04.320
their words, and then the most beautiful thing happens. My

673
00:46:04.440 --> 00:46:08.880
kids now speak each other's love languages. My acts of service.

674
00:46:09.079 --> 00:46:13.159
Daughter will help my quality time daughter with her chores

675
00:46:13.559 --> 00:46:16.800
and she has time to play. My words of affirmation

676
00:46:17.119 --> 00:46:21.719
son will leave encouraging notes for his siblings when they're

677
00:46:21.760 --> 00:46:25.000
having a hard day. My gifts kid will save treats

678
00:46:25.039 --> 00:46:29.360
for their other siblings and share it. It's beautiful when

679
00:46:29.400 --> 00:46:33.599
it clicks. When they're not just receiving love from me

680
00:46:33.679 --> 00:46:37.079
and my husband, but giving it to each other. When

681
00:46:37.079 --> 00:46:41.079
they're building each other up instead of tearing each other down,

682
00:46:41.679 --> 00:46:44.320
that's when you know it's working. That's when you know

683
00:46:44.800 --> 00:46:49.599
they're learning skills that will serve them for life. Here's

684
00:46:49.639 --> 00:46:52.880
the other hard truth. You will not always get it right.

685
00:46:53.599 --> 00:46:54.079
You won't.

686
00:46:54.800 --> 00:46:58.880
There will be days when everyone's tank is empty and

687
00:46:58.920 --> 00:47:02.400
you have nothing left to give. There will be seasons

688
00:47:03.079 --> 00:47:07.840
where you're just surviving. There will be weeks when you're

689
00:47:07.840 --> 00:47:11.719
in survival mode, when you're just keeping everyone alive and

690
00:47:11.760 --> 00:47:16.119
fed and clothes and that's all you can manage. Where

691
00:47:16.199 --> 00:47:20.599
love languages feel like one more thing on the impossible list.

692
00:47:21.280 --> 00:47:25.280
And that's okay, it really is. Love languages aren't about

693
00:47:25.320 --> 00:47:29.159
adding more pressure to your already full plate. They're not

694
00:47:29.239 --> 00:47:33.840
about perfection. They're not about doing everything right. All the time.

695
00:47:34.360 --> 00:47:39.000
They're about working smarter, not harder. They're about understanding your

696
00:47:39.039 --> 00:47:44.000
people so that the love you're already giving actually lands,

697
00:47:44.519 --> 00:47:48.199
so that your effort counts, so that your efforts count.

698
00:47:48.880 --> 00:47:52.760
It's about being intentional, not perfect. Some days you'll nail it,

699
00:47:53.639 --> 00:47:57.360
you'll speak everyone's language beautifully, and everyone will go to

700
00:47:57.400 --> 00:48:02.239
bed happy and connected, and you'll think I'm killing this

701
00:48:02.480 --> 00:48:06.639
parenting thing. Other days you'll miss everyone. You'll be too tired,

702
00:48:06.840 --> 00:48:12.480
too overwhelmed, too touched out, too empty. Everyone will be grumpy,

703
00:48:12.639 --> 00:48:16.360
including you. You'll go to bed thinking I'm failing at

704
00:48:16.360 --> 00:48:19.559
all of this. But here's the truth. Both days count.

705
00:48:20.360 --> 00:48:25.880
Both days matter. Every single attempt, every single effort, even

706
00:48:25.920 --> 00:48:29.800
the imperfect ones, they all add up. Every hug, even

707
00:48:29.840 --> 00:48:34.719
the rushed ones. Every word of encouragement, even when you're exhausted,

708
00:48:35.199 --> 00:48:39.199
every gift, even the dollar store kind, every moment of

709
00:48:39.280 --> 00:48:44.320
time even just five minutes, every act of service, even

710
00:48:44.360 --> 00:48:48.760
when you're resentful while doing it, It all counts. It

711
00:48:48.800 --> 00:48:53.960
all matters. So give yourself grace. You're human, You're doing

712
00:48:54.000 --> 00:48:57.519
your best, and your best is enough, even when it

713
00:48:57.519 --> 00:49:01.000
doesn't feel like it. One more strategy that's been a

714
00:49:01.079 --> 00:49:04.519
complete game changer for us. Teaching the kids to love

715
00:49:04.559 --> 00:49:08.519
each other in their languages, to fill each other's tanks,

716
00:49:09.000 --> 00:49:10.920
not just depend on mom and dad to do it.

717
00:49:11.239 --> 00:49:14.679
When your kids learn to love each other well, two

718
00:49:14.719 --> 00:49:18.440
things happen. First, it takes some of the pressure off you.

719
00:49:18.440 --> 00:49:21.440
You're not the only one filling tanks. The kids, they're

720
00:49:21.480 --> 00:49:25.280
filling each other's tanks. They're building each other up. They're

721
00:49:25.280 --> 00:49:28.800
taking care of each other. Second, and this is even

722
00:49:28.920 --> 00:49:33.519
more important, it teaches them how to love people well

723
00:49:33.880 --> 00:49:37.320
for the rest of their lives. They're learning empathy. They're

724
00:49:37.400 --> 00:49:41.960
learning that love isn't one size fits all. They're learning

725
00:49:42.000 --> 00:49:45.119
to see people and meet them where they are. They're

726
00:49:45.199 --> 00:49:49.199
learning to step outside of themselves. Those are skills they'll

727
00:49:49.320 --> 00:49:53.760
use in their marriages, in their friendships, in their workplace,

728
00:49:54.400 --> 00:49:57.639
in their own parenting. Someday. You're not just loving your

729
00:49:57.719 --> 00:50:01.639
kids well today, you're teaching them how to love others

730
00:50:01.880 --> 00:50:06.000
well tomorrow. And that's legacy work. Maybe it's been a

731
00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:10.239
hard session financially and the streets are suffocating. Let me

732
00:50:10.320 --> 00:50:13.920
tell you why all this matters, Why it's worth the effort,

733
00:50:14.199 --> 00:50:17.920
Why it's worth learning these languages and trying to speak them.

734
00:50:18.280 --> 00:50:22.760
Even imperfectly, even when it's hard, even when you fail

735
00:50:23.440 --> 00:50:27.760
more than you succeed, because there is long term payoff.

736
00:50:28.079 --> 00:50:31.760
There is fruit that grows from this work. My oldest

737
00:50:31.840 --> 00:50:35.440
kids adults now, and I'm watching the fruit of understanding

738
00:50:35.519 --> 00:50:39.719
love languages play out in their lives, in their relationships,

739
00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:43.480
in who they're becoming. And it's beautiful and that's going

740
00:50:43.519 --> 00:50:46.360
to serve them in every relationship for the rest of

741
00:50:46.400 --> 00:50:53.440
their lives, marriage, parenting, friendships, work, relationships, leadership. They're going

742
00:50:53.480 --> 00:50:57.519
to be better spouses because they understand love languages, better

743
00:50:57.599 --> 00:51:01.760
parents because they know what to watch foreign their kids' languages,

744
00:51:02.159 --> 00:51:05.440
better friends because they know how to love people well,

745
00:51:06.239 --> 00:51:09.519
better leaders because they know how to see people and

746
00:51:09.599 --> 00:51:13.159
meet them where they are friends. We've covered so much today,

747
00:51:14.039 --> 00:51:17.920
the five love languages and what they mean, how they

748
00:51:17.960 --> 00:51:22.199
show up in marriage, and how understanding them can literally

749
00:51:22.760 --> 00:51:26.719
save your relationship, How they show up differently with kids

750
00:51:26.960 --> 00:51:31.960
of all ages, from young adults to babies. Practical strategies

751
00:51:32.079 --> 00:51:35.760
for managing multiple languages in a busy family, what to

752
00:51:35.800 --> 00:51:39.920
do when everyone's tank is empty, including yours, and the

753
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.280
long term impact of getting this right, The legacy you're

754
00:51:44.320 --> 00:51:48.159
building if you're feeling overwhelmed right now. If you're thinking

755
00:51:48.480 --> 00:51:51.039
this is too much, I can't do all of this,

756
00:51:51.639 --> 00:51:54.800
let me give you one simple action step, just one.

757
00:51:55.239 --> 00:52:00.639
Pick one person, just one, your spouse, one of your kids,

758
00:52:01.039 --> 00:52:05.239
a close friend, whoever comes to mind. First, figure out

759
00:52:05.280 --> 00:52:08.800
their love language. You can have them take the quiz

760
00:52:09.119 --> 00:52:13.440
at five love languages dot com. That's the number five

761
00:52:13.880 --> 00:52:18.559
loves languages dot com. So you can just observe, watch

762
00:52:18.599 --> 00:52:21.639
them for a few days and ask yourself, what do

763
00:52:21.679 --> 00:52:26.440
you complain about most, What do they request most often?

764
00:52:27.039 --> 00:52:30.280
What makes them light up? What makes them pull away?

765
00:52:30.960 --> 00:52:36.039
When do they seem most connected, most distant? Pay attention.

766
00:52:36.440 --> 00:52:39.360
The answers are usually right in front of us. We

767
00:52:39.559 --> 00:52:43.039
just have to look. Then this week, just this week,

768
00:52:43.400 --> 00:52:48.239
speak their language intentionally, just once, maybe twice if you're

769
00:52:48.239 --> 00:52:52.840
feeling ambitious, but at least once. If they need quality time,

770
00:52:53.079 --> 00:52:57.239
give them fifteen minutes of your undivided attention. No phones,

771
00:52:57.719 --> 00:53:02.079
no multitasking, just presence. If they need words of affirmation,

772
00:53:02.679 --> 00:53:06.360
tell them specifically what you appreciate about them. If they

773
00:53:06.400 --> 00:53:10.280
need physical touch, hug them, hold their hand, sit close

774
00:53:10.320 --> 00:53:13.760
to them. If they need acts of service, do something

775
00:53:13.800 --> 00:53:17.239
that lightens their load. If they need gifts, pick up

776
00:53:17.280 --> 00:53:21.280
something small and thoughtful that says I was thinking about you.

777
00:53:22.159 --> 00:53:26.320
Then watch what happens. Notice their response. See if it

778
00:53:26.360 --> 00:53:28.960
makes a difference. I bet it will. You don't have

779
00:53:29.000 --> 00:53:32.400
to overhaul your entire life. You don't have to be perfect,

780
00:53:32.880 --> 00:53:35.920
you don't have to do everything for everyone all at once.

781
00:53:36.679 --> 00:53:41.159
Just try, just pay attention, Just love one person in

782
00:53:41.199 --> 00:53:45.639
the language they understand, and build from there, because that's

783
00:53:45.639 --> 00:53:49.559
the whole thing. Really, love isn't just a feeling. It's

784
00:53:49.599 --> 00:53:54.719
a choice, it's an action. It's intentionally speaking someone's language

785
00:53:54.960 --> 00:53:58.400
even when it doesn't come naturally to you. That's what

786
00:53:58.440 --> 00:54:03.599
real love looks like, what builds families that last. Before

787
00:54:03.639 --> 00:54:06.320
we go, I want to pray for you wherever you

788
00:54:06.400 --> 00:54:09.519
are right now, whether you're in the thick of little

789
00:54:09.599 --> 00:54:16.559
kid chaos, or navigating teenagers or launching adults, or somewhere

790
00:54:16.599 --> 00:54:19.840
in between, I want to pray for you and your family. Father,

791
00:54:19.960 --> 00:54:23.119
Thank you for the families represented here today, Thank you

792
00:54:23.159 --> 00:54:25.880
for these mamas and daddies. Thank you so much for

793
00:54:25.960 --> 00:54:28.639
joining me today. And we are the hands. And seriously,

794
00:54:29.239 --> 00:54:32.159
it means the world to me that you spent this

795
00:54:32.360 --> 00:54:35.920
time with me learning and growing together until next time.

796
00:54:36.239 --> 00:54:40.320
Love your people well, speak their language. Be intentional, give

797
00:54:40.400 --> 00:54:40.760
yours